You Could, You Just Wouldn't

  Today is a down day. I thought I was doing much better yesterday in trying to be a strong person, but today I feel down. I went to work and had someone say something to me and I held back tears until she left the room. I am unsure of how to be feeling as I want to feel as strong as possible. After all the agony we have felt in our lives, we felt numb. Today, I actually feel down about the situation.

    I want to make something clear about this blog. This is a place for me to vent about things that bug me and my life experiences. If you have a problem with it, you can choose not to read them. There are many ways people deal with stress and sadness. I have heard that blogging is the best form of relief that is out there. Most people that follow me on facebook and blogger are my friends and family. There are some strays out there, but this is mostly for them to understand where we are in life and a great way for us to keep in touch as we all lead different busy lives. We all know it is hard to get a hold of people sometimes and you end up playing phone tag for a few days! HAHA

    Now really, today someone told me that if they could they would have a baby for us. Here is the thing, we hear this a lot and it can be very annoying. It's not that you can't have a baby and give it to us. I'm sure you can have a child... some have had more than one. The truth is, you possibly can have a baby, you choose not to have one and give it to us. I am not asking for a child, I am just trying to clear up an unclear statement. This statement is said a lot from people of many sorts. There is a big difference between can't and won't. Me, I CAN'T have a baby and that's why I don't. You may or may not, I don't know. This is just a vent of me telling people that they really need to watch what they are saying and how they are saying it to someone. I just want everyone to do an exercise and say this to themselves, "I wish I could have a baby for you" or "If I could have a baby for you, I would".. Think about that. To me, it just sounds silly. There are some ladies out there who do have children, but aren't able to have more. There are some who are pregnant now and wouldn't be able to carry a child again. If you aren't one of these people, sometimes it's okay to not say anything.
 Anyways, this is short and simple but I just wanted to vent. I hope all of you wonderful ladies dealing with infertility and failed adoptions find this a little humorous. I am not saying we will all agree with the statements, but we have all had similar experiences. It is amazing how after talking with some that we all have the same outlook in life. Nobody will ever begin to understand the grieving month by month when AF shows her presence. This is just a reminder to me, at times not always, of how I have failed as a wife, a woman, and becoming a mother (aren't women built to reproduce). Though, this seems harsh, we all know we have days like this. We all know we have days and wonder why our husbands still love us. Really, it's okay to admit it! I am thankful for him every day. He has been by my side on every failed month in the last five years. Every month is the loss of a child we never had.
 
 Also, adoption and pregnancy are two different feelings. I completely understand there is a major difference. Ultimately, I would miss out on the opportunity of carrying and bonding with a child for 9 months before anyone else. I wouldn't get to use any excuses on why my back hurts or how I am just soo hungry today, or how my baby just keeps moving and it's going to be an athlete. What I am saying is, I know there is a difference. More importantly, what I do know is that my husband and I have accepted most of these things (don't get me wrong, the grief will never leave as we know we are it will be in the back of our minds for the rest of our lives). We have moved on to adoption because it felt right. Even before we tried any treatments we were discussing it. This is something we want to experience as a team. We want to be parents. Isn't that what pregnancy leads in to?

      Here is the thing, if you don't understand and don't know what to say... Just don't say it at all. We appreciate the support, but a simple "I'm thinking of you" in the mail or on the phone has the best meaning of all.

   I know this blog jumps all over, but there are feelings of grief always there inside that someone always brings back up. Again, this is me venting and not all situations are the same...