And it all comes falling down... AGAIN!

It hasn't even been 24 hours since we heard the saddening news. We were very much looking forward to having a baby in our lives and taking in an extra family to share the joys with. Sometimes, things just aren't meant to be. We could all be angry or continue to be hurt (not that we weren't taken back by the news), but the reality is, he was never ours to begin with. This wonderful expectant mother was confused and unsure of what she wanted to do. Even though she was telling us one thing, she was fighting her heart to not keep him. We understand her fears of putting all her trust in our hands and wondering if we would really have kept our word on open adoption. It's tragic for us that we couldn't be given the chance to prove ourselves to her. We were already planning things to do with them in the summer as a way to bond and feel a part of his life. Sometimes it's just not meant to be... Don't get me wrong. It doesn't change my heart for her. They were a wonderful family and I am sure he will have a good home. We all got along really well and I wish nothing but a happy healthy life for all of them. I hope to be able to see how well they do and watch her progress through life goals as well.
 This morning we learn a valuable lesson. It's not about the money we lost on legal fees or any other things purchased through this history, it's about the heart. No matter how much we resisted the urge to feel attached to the idea that we were going to be parents, after we were assured soo many times that this was happening so please be ready for him, we finally gave into temptation. We gave our hearts a budge and told them to be in this because some are only able to prep to be parents once. Enjoy this time as it may never happen again. Most parent's get a happy few months to prep, we were given a couple months, but they were the scariest couple months ever. We were trying to optimistic on the situation, but you always know there is the what if... what if she changes her mind... Then the letter showed up at our doorstep.
 Here we were left with another bad news in February.. It was exactly one year ago this month that we lost ourselves in the heap of IVF. We learned that the two little embys inside of me died. We knew we were pregnant briefly, but then like that they were gone. That was February of 2011 when we got bad news. It took months to feel happy again, but than this came to our doorstep. Here we are in February again, and we have another loss. It kind of feels the same as the last, but this time, we have a clearer view of how to move forward.
 We will continue to figure out our life journey, but we aren't sure what this will be. We do know that most people would end in divorce (infertility statistic), but we are stronger than that. We love each other soo very much, that we have even talked about the possibility of not meant to be parents. Though we have a nursery full of items, it is still very much empty. We will continue to figure out what we should do next. We just don't want to wake up in a few years and be ashamed we didn't enjoy life more. We have already wasted (to an extent) the last five years of our marriage finding a way to have a baby. We have talked a lot about this over the night and said that maybe we aren't meant to be parents at all... Maybe there is a reason for this constant need to save for a baby that will never come.. Maybe we just need to find something more in our lives to focus on.. Maybe we weren't meant to make a little family.
As much as all encouraging words are helpful, we have been through this nightmare time and time again. I think we are as sick of hearing the bad news just as everyone else is. I picture many people via facebook or watching from a distance go "geeze, enough is enough". This is what we are thinking too. It is almost becoming an embarrassment at this point.. We see soo many  infertility couples spend hundreds of thousands of dollars and won't give in.. We don't want to be one of those poeple.
We have moved on from the concept (there is always a chance) of carrying a child, but would love nothing more than to adopt a child that is needing to be adopted. We are home study approved now, so nothing is stopping us now. Let's just hope that if we were to get a baby girl, she likes frogs! haha.
 Really, the purpose of this blog is for me to get things off my chest. We feel a little better today and hope to continue to move on. The lessons we are learning is, don't always give in, and go with your gut. If it is to good to be true, than it probably is... This situation was to easy and too good to be true!

On to the next year of drama!