A quiet day..

Today has been a very slow paced day. Will have a meeting later, but children are sleeping now and making me tired.. so must keep busy!

I was just thinking back to our very first ultrasound and how just a few weeks ago we were excited to see our little peanut... Then all of a sudden, boom, we are having two. The feeling was pure joy and utter shock. We were very happy and then the fears all set in of "what if".  Luckily, we have been given a wonderful amount of good news. Though we are pretty in the clear for the higher percentage of things, there is still always worry. When going to my ultrasounds and seeing them, it puts my mind at ease. Then after a few days of not seeing them, I feel worried again. Don't get me wrong, it's not a major stressed out worry, but a minor "it can happen". We are planning ahead and mentally prepping for two, but you can still have stuff go wrong. Mostly, I think it all goes back to our fears of the last five years of hearing bad news. The good news is amazing and makes your feel cautiously optimistic.  

   Imagine spending 5 years in a nightmare of nobody knowing what was wrong with you and spending thousands of dollars and voluntary surgeries, only to come up empty handed. One day you get one last shot and you optimistically take the shot knowing that the end result will be negative as always, but only it turns out to be positive. You are mentally set on the negative results you are used to that these positive results are a shocker. You weren't going to cry at hearing the negative because your heart has grown used to it, but the positive makes you cry hysterically. That's where all the disbelief comes in and you spend weeks having the doctor reassure you that the positive did and IS happening. Who would have thunk?!?!

From dots to babies!

Just wanted to share the latest photo's. They actually have their limbs and we got to see them moving around. It was the most amazing thing ever!

Baby A is on my right side and is a very calm baby. Seems to be quiet when we have ultrasounds. This particular one it only got startled when I laughed.. Too cute as the little arms started to fly around. We say it's a girl because it's so relaxed (although time will tell). 

Baby B is on the left side and seems to be very active all the time. We think this is a boy since it already has a big personality. Last ultrasound it was doing full frontal and looked like a gummy bear, this time it was moving around and waving it's arms. In the photo it was actually sucking their thumb. This is what made me laugh and baby A get frightened. Too funny!

BABIES IN THE OVEN!!!!

This blog starts back 4 months when we didn't want to tell anyone. You will start in June and work your way to the present day... or the most recent before our next blog. Thanks!

6-5-12

So here we are in round two of IVF. We kept saying we weren’t going to do another round, but who could truly pass up a 100% free round from the hospital. How did we get this free round?? The news didn’t come lightly.

                After our first failed IVF in January 2011 we swore we weren’t going to do another round. There is so much time and effort put into it that causes a lot of stress. This does not include all the hormone injections my husband has to administer in me. These take a serious toll on a woman’s body. For me, it caused a lot of hormone changes in my mouth and I had to spend hundreds of dollars at the dentist to fix everything. The dentist was in shock at how much the hormones aged my teeth. It was an added disappointment and reminder for what didn’t work out for us.

                It took us several months to start feeling happy again. Once we found our inner peace of where we wanted to go from there we started a healthier path in life. By fall of 2011 we were finally happy again. Then the hospital calls in November of 2011 to tell us some news that we didn’t know how to handle. They told us that there was an issue in the incubation lab and an maintenance employee forgot to put in one of three air filters that help clean the air quality right around the time we started our IVF. They wanted to make things “right” and offer us a free round. WHAT?!?! How could this have happened after pouring our hearts and souls into this hospital?? We were happy, confused and finally the anger set in. What are they hiding that they call us up and offer us a free round to cover their tracks? We were just unsure of what this meant and how to handle it.

                The reality of things, they called us when we finally decided to pursue adoption more and were actually matched with an expectant mom at the time. This was really confusing on top of just deciding to change my job path that exact day… HOLY COW! Let’s just say the tears were flowing all night for the sake of the unknown.

                In the end, we decided to put IVF off and take a “rain check”. We were happy with what was about to happen in our lives. We were in a possible adoption situation and couldn’t have been happier with the path we have entrusted our hearts in. After Valentine’s we got the sad news that the expectant mother had changed her mind. We were heartbroken again… I was a little distant from the situation since it wasn’t me who was physically carrying the child, but Derek was even more heartbroken. He was finally getting into the process of buying baby things after holding out for so long. We told ourselves we weren’t going to buy much for the baby boy until he was really here. We were scared of staring at an empty nursery every day, but expectant mom and grandma were so adamant that we should buy things and get ready for the little guy! We finally decided to buy a few things and it felt wonderful. Then we were left empty.

                Now that we are back to square one again, we have decided that this is the time to take the hospital up on their offer. What do we have to lose at this point? We have nothing holding us back and I can be more flexible with my job than I was the last time around. We will just do it!

Here I am on day 4 of my cycle and have been taking birth control for four whole days… Weird how the memories come flooding back and you dread starting to take the stuff the prescribe you. I will take this every day for a few weeks and then start injections. Unsure of when the start exactly since I am just getting into my cycle. The nurse made it seem like it will be started around the 27^th, but my cycle started a little early so may change things by a couple of days. We will see where things go from here!

6-19-12

 Yesterday (6-18-12) we had our preliminary appointment to get all my meds rounded up for our ivf cycle. We didn’t think much about the cycle until we were officially back at the hospital and in waiting room 3…. This is the waiting room where all infertile couples end up. There is waiting room 1 you walk past where children are, waiting room 2 where expectant mom’s sit in the open when you walk by, and then there is waiting room 3 where no children are allowed. This is the waiting room we very much dread. Every time the front desk asks us “do you know where waiting room 3 is?” , we reply with “unfortunately”. She just does her small smile and lets us go on our way.

 We have been here multiple times and wondered how many of those couples that were in there with us have gone out with the most amazing news you can ask for. We always hope for the same outcome, but know that the percentage rate is against us.

 “This time around is different”, says the ultrasound tech whom doesn’t want us to give up hope. “Your follicles are amazing and as much as you don’t care to hear, they have learned from your last failed attempt!”. We just knod and look like we are agreeing when deep down we don’t care what she says because she is just doing her job. We know we are only there because it is free and we never intended on putting my body through this again. Here we are starting the process again and loading our bucket of medications… Those will be starting mid next week. Here is a sneak peak of what medications I have to endure in this process… Pills, Shots, Shots, shots….. then comes the surgery. For now, this is what I have to look at to keep reminding me what I am getting myself into:

6-22-2012

                So, I know I told myself I would do my best to keep my blogging up to share when this whole experience is over. I don’t want people to know when I am going through the process because it makes it all the more stressful. I am willing to document this experience and share it later because I know it is all over with and what the outcome will be by then. Mostly, I blog because there are steps that can be forgettable and I want to always know every detail in case I need to look back on all of these events. I hope to someday share with my child (ren) how much they were wanted and all the hard work I put my body through in order to try and make this possible. I also want to share my own personal experience with friends and family members. I know some get tired of hearing it (boy don’t I wish we didn’t have to go through it), but documenting these dramatic times in your life is more important than many may think. I’m sure we could easily write a book on our experiences these last five or so years. Though, the audiences may be limited, it would be a well documented book!

                The reason for blogging today though is to make me feel better. I am feeling very yucky today from my BCP (Birth Control Pills). These aren’t your every day “trying not to have a baby” pills. These are pills of the same level given to me four weeks in a row so the hospital can control my hormones for egg production. The hormones have many side effects. The main ones I am feeling today is fatigue, light headed and nausea. Honestly, I have been feeling fatigue since the first week. I am sooo tired all the time. I make sure and keep busy with the kiddos all day just to keep my body going. I know Derek jokes and says I could sleep my life away, but honestly, I would totally agree! Haha. I just want to sleep for the last week of these pills, but know I need to start shots this week.. oh, and do that thing called work! I am thankful that it is Friday so my day is almost over… For those of you that are worried, its naptime so no harm done on blogging!!

7-6-12

I have officially been on my first round of shots for 10 days. I started Leuprolide on June 27^th. Those shots seem to be a lot easier than they used to be. It seemed like the needles were bigger last time around, but I am just guessing that I am becoming a pro at all the poking. Haha. I did stop taking my BCP (Birth Control Pills) on the 30^th. That has seemed to make my nausea go down. I am still tired by 1:00, but making an effort to rest when I feel the need to. This is a must for me in going through this. It is amazing how tired all the hormone changes make you feel.

 I think the worst of the shots was when I went to get my Estradiol blood level taken today. The lady was half asleep it seemed and felt like she was digging the needle around in my vein while taking my blood… to think I have to do this every couple of days the next week! Luckily, my levels came back all well. I will start my second shot tonight called Follistim. This is just a pen that will be injected into my stomach. This will put me at two shots a night until the doctor tells me to start my third shot.

 Last time we went through IVF we really secluded ourselves from everyone. We stayed home often and made sure I was there to take my shots on time. This time I seem to be carrying the shots around and willing to take them in front of people. I think that it makes life a lot easier when you learn to enjoy it while doing all the crazy medications. I did give myself my first leg shot on the Fourth of July since Derek wasn’t able to go to a bbq with me. This was a little nerve racking since he normally does that part for me. All in all it was not as bad as I mentally feel like it would be. Doing all those shots can be very exhausting to deal with. This process messes with your body mentally and physically. You can be achy and bloated for a few days and just want to lay around and sleep… this is where it can be scary for weight gain. You already gain unwanted water weight from all the hormones, who really wants to gain weight because they can’t exercise (doctor’s orders so you don’t twist your ovaries (yes, this happens because the hormones grow your follicles to the size of a walnut and some bigger)). 

 My only concern that I have had thus far is the lifting. I am not allowed to lift over 15 pounds while going through the stimulation process. This gives me a whole week of work that I will need to try and take it easy (biting my nails). I am sure my daycare parent’s are pretty understandable at this point if I get a little lazy and creative with the lifting. It will help that my neighbor girls will come by to help once in awhile.

7-10-12

Here I sit in the a.m. waiting to start the work day. Last night was a little exhausting. I started my third shot called Menopur (MENOPUR^® is a highly purified preparation of naturally derived gonadotropins, called hMG. MENOPUR^® contains equal amounts (75 IUs) of 2 kinds of hormonal activity: follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH), which helps stimulate egg production; and luteinizing hormone (LH), which helps the eggs mature and release (ovulate). MENOPUR^® helps stimulate eggs to mature in women whose ovaries are basically healthy but are unable to develop eggs. It is not used for women who suffer from ovarian failure. MENOPUR^® is usually used together with human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG), and is indicated for the development of multiple follicles and pregnancy in women participating in an Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) program). I had another blood draw yesterday morning and my Estradiol number went from 7 on Monday to 229 yesterday so they dropped my Follistim to 150 instead of 225. The best part of the blood draw is that they have to use the same bruised arm every time (sarcasm). Apparently my left arm doesn’t ever want to show the vein so I am always using the right arm for my blood draws. If anyone knows about taking shots, it can be mentally and physically exhausting just taking one. I have to take two in the stomach and one in the leg at this point. Sometime in the next few days I will have to start taking one in the side, but that shouldn’t be until closer to surgery.

Last night seemed a little worse because it actually hurt giving the shots and to top it all off, my Follistim cartridge ran out so I had to reload and give an extra shot. Not my way to end the day… four shots!

7-13-12

 Happy Friday the 13^th!! DH (Dear Husband) and I had an ultrasound and consultation today. The tech found 12 follicles on my right ovary and I believe 9 on my left ovary. This leaves me hopeful for multiple eggs like last time. Many times we were told that we would go and have our egg retrieval surgery around Sunday, but after today’s visit they have changed plans. They have decided to push things into the week. I have an ultrasound Sunday to see how my follicles look and we will go from there. I am sad and frustrated since I took the time off work, but deep down I know they are spreading the time as far as possible so our eggs are mature. I think the last time we did ivf they may have triggered too soon and this is what added to the stresses of it not working. I just want mature and healthy eggs to be fertilized and stick to my uterine lining. Oh yes, my uterine lining looked wonderful too. It is amazing how stumped you can make people who specialize in this field. They can’t believe how things can’t work when you are this healthy… I say, just believe it!

 For now, my medications will all stay the same (20 Ml. of Leuprolide, 150 Ml. of Follistim, and 1 vial of Menopur). This means two shots in the stomach and one in the leg for at least two more nights!

7-15-12

 Back from the hospital. They scheduled us for an ultrasound today. All looks well. My follicles all look wonderful and they are, as the ultrasound tech called it “baked”. There are quite a few in there so I am hoping for good numbers like last time (34 eggs retrieved last time). There are quite a few follicles again so I am guessing we will be over 20 at least. This is a great number as the average woman on gets around 13 eggs retrieved if that. My only concern is the quality of the eggs. I just hope they are good this time around.

 The retrieval is officially set for Tuesday (two days away). I will call the information line today to get the details of the surgery time. Derek will give me my trigger shot to start the eggs up and ready for their ovulation cycle. Last time we had to set our alarm because you have to be very precise on the timing of the trigger shot. It is exactly 36 hours from retrieval time. We will have to wake up late at night to have the shot taken. You got to love all the events of ivf for everything to be precise. Just imagine what all this takes and some just get pregnant “accidentally”. Wowzers!

7-17-12

Today was egg retrieval day. We went in at 8 a.m. and I was out the OR a little after 9. They were able to retrieve 28 eggs. 20 of which made it on to the ICSI round. They will call tomorrow to let us know how many did well in fertilization.

 For me, I am a little sore. My stomach is very achy so bed rest is a plus for me. I am back to more meds. They are all very different than what I was on before retrieval. I am taking 1 Cephalexin capsule four times daily, 2 MethylPREDNISolone Tablets every 12 hours, 1 Levothyroxine Sodium tablet daily, and for now I am on Acetamin-Codeine every 4 hours. All of this is in addition to my progesterone in oil injections in the evening.

7-19-12

We heard news yesterday. They ended up doing ICSI on 22 eggs. Out of 22 eggs, 14 of them fertilized normally. They went ahead and froze 7 of the 14 and will keep the other little embryos growing to pick the best ones for transfer. We will do a 5 day transfer on Sunday. We were glad for that because that is when the eggs reach a huge milestone.. hatching! The doctors will call tomorrow (Friday) to give us an update on how many embryos have made it to day 3 and when to come in on Sunday. I hope we get at least 4 good embryos to choose from!!

7-25-12

 The days have come and gone. We are in our 2ww (two week wait). The embryo transfer was on Sunday which was a day 5 transfer. For those of you who don’t know what this means, instead of developing in me for five days it develops in a lab dish and then they put it back in the woman’s uterus before it is supposed to attach to the uterus. This is to ensure they put the best quality of embryos we have available. They were able to put in two embryos. One was an “Excellent” grade and the other was “good”. The cool thing about all of it is in going through this, you will get the earliest possible photo’s of your babies if they take. Here is a couple different looks of what we hope to work out: 

Embryo #1Embryo #2

  Today is 3dp5dt (3 days past a 5 day transfer for those who don’t know the lingo). I have been running a low grade fever on and off since Monday night (1dp5dt). It has been a little unnerving since I never had this happen to me last time we did IVF. I have been trying to meditate so I am relaxed. It is just hard to not worry that this is my body fighting off what could be our little babies. It is something that is not seeming to be a worry to the nurses in the clinic, but for some reason I am… I guess it just comes with the territory.

 Last night was the worst of it. I woke up freezing and by the time I got warm and comfortable I was boiling hot. It seemed like I didn’t get much sleep after that because every time I got comfortable and started to doze off, I got really hot and sweaty again. This has been quite the experience if nothing at all. I just hope that it’s for the better and we don’t hear bad news all over again.

8-2-12

Well, great news, we went in for our beta (pregnancy hormone test) and we are expecting!!!! This is the first time ever and we are in shock to say the least. The nurse said they like to at least see a level of 50 and mine was at 261!  Normally women would have to stay on progesterone in oil shots for the first 12 weeks to keep producing the hormones for your uterus, but my levels were high enough that I get to get off of them. I am producing enough on my own. I go back in tomorrow for my second beta to see how much it rises. Then to wait on the ultrasound August 20^th to see how many little blurs are in there. I call it the blur because of the very first ultrasound we got. Haha. For now, here is something that we all dream of seeing and I had to do it last night once I knew my levels were a for sure thing: 

8-3-12

Went in for my second Beta count today. Our count went from 261 to 531. The nurse said she wanted to see a 400 and it came out plenty ahead. Let’s hope those numbers keep climbing as the days go on and this/ these babies grow. We were suspecting twins with the first beta, but now I am suspecting a singleton. We obviously won’t know until we have our first ultrasound to confirm how many are in there.

So far things are looking up. I haven’t been sleeping well, but I suspect that is the hormones as I am also getting a little nausea/ lack of appetite during the day. This makes it a little harder to remember to eat. I will need to keep reminding myself that I am not just feeding myself anymore!

For now, here is a little preview of what I look like now.. I am still a little bloated from egg retrieval (as your ovaries are soo enlarged), but I thought this would be a good diary for myself.

8-6-12

We have two weeks until our ultrasound to see how many little peanuts are in there. I am guessing there is one, but you never know. The suspense is driving me bonkers. I am trying to keep myself busy, but I also know I need to rest as fatigue hits me quickly if I am not careful. I seem to be feeling a heck of a lot better this week. I haven’t had as much nausea and cramping. I am guessing it is the tips I kept getting about eating plenty of protein and drinking lots of water. We are trying to push as much organic foods as possible. This little one does not deserve to be pushed full of the unnecessary chemicals that people put in foods these days. I know, that sounds crazy to some of you, but guess what? I am guessing you didn’t go through five years of infertility just to get a little peanut inside of you! Haha.

We start our sixth week tomorrow. This is very exciting for us. We want to enjoy it very much, but it is still surreal. I am actually having a hard time grasping (as is Derek) that we are actually PREGNANT. It is weird to say it and it’s hard to believe it. I think once we get farther along and have something to show for it, it may help. Right now it feels weird because I feel normal other than being bloated. Almost makes me think there is nothing in there… but we know there absolutely is!

8-13-12

We have one week until our first ultrasound!! Sounds great I know, but for me it is a different kind of great than most others could imagine. This tells me not only how many babies are in there, but how strong of a heartbeat the baby has. This should be enough encouragement to push me into happier mode. Don’t get me wrong (for those of you who follow our struggles and think I should be completely overjoyed), I am happy I am pregnant, it’s just very scary for me. As someone who has gone through all the possible scenarios to get pregnant, you get so caught up in the bad that you never expect anything good to come from this. Now that it has, it is hard to let your guard down because you are soo used to all the bad things happening to you. I feel that having this ultrasound will be reassurance that there is truly a baby in there. I haven’t had many symptoms and as many normal pregnant women would find that a blessing, in the infertile world, this is a scary sign that there is nothing in there…. Again, I know this stuff is hard for most of you to wrap your head around, but this is the life of me and these are the feelings of every woman going through the same things. While every normal pregnant woman takes in being pregnant and enjoys talking about the future… we are scared shitless. My husband and I give high fives at the end of each day. The actual words are “ High Five, We made it through another day pregnant!”

8-21-12

Two’s Company!

We had our first ultrasound today to see baby. We haven’t had one yet since we found out we were pregnant. The tech went in and saw a baby and when she moved to the left… there was another one! We were in shock most of the morning, but excited to know that at this point we are expectant parents of twins. It is the most amazing feeling in the world. The doctor said and I quote “By our records you have been ttc a little over five years. The last cycle went completely bad, but this cycle went completely good. You guys deserve these babies!”

The ultrasound tech said we have the best case of twins possible. Baby A is on the Right side and Baby B is on the left side. The will be growing next to each other instead of on top of one another. They are fraternal twins (each have grown by different egg and sperm) so they will each have their own placenta to grow in safely. This is like an added bonus to the good news so we won’t be as high risk, hopefully!

First Twin Photo

   

Baby A on right side

Baby B on Left side

8-31-12

We had our second ultrasound today. Derek decided to go to work and get paid. We have two babies coming so we must think about two futures instead of one. His mom came in his place. I was super excited for her to see them. It was great to see her happy and watching the monitor while the ultrasound tech did her thing. Babies are growing well and right on target for size. Heart rates went from 121 & 129 Last time to 183 & 177 this time. The doctor said they will go down around week 11 and level out to their new heart rates. This has been an amazing couple of months so far and can't wait to see how these little ones grown. Derek said last night.. and I quote "They grow up so fast, don't they?" HAHA. We are loving being able to share this together. We are soo glad we were able to have one more shot at this. Love their little bodies already... Grandma started the "Gummy Bear" nickname because one was full frontal and looked like a gummy bear. Too cute!

Twin Photo @ 8 Weeks 2 Days were in different positions so it was hard to get a good photo together!

"Gummy Bear" Twin on Left

Twin on Right  in fetal position. Very shy I guess. 

9-10-12

Here we are, in week number ten. I can't believe how close we are getting to the end of the first trimester. This is truly becoming real the further along we get. I hear soo many people say they don't start showing until the 2nd trimester... Well, I am starting to think this isn't the case for me having twins in there. My belly that I was losing (since I was losing weight before pregnancy) is now growing. I seem to have a pouch that I can't hide without wearing baggy shirts. Luckily, we only have two more weeks before we agreed we would announce it to the world.... The doctors have given us the okay, but we are determined to wait. I have another ultrasound next week (11 weeks) and I am super excited to see my (well, as Derek says "HIS") babies again. I know that since the RE has graduated us to OB we won't get as many ultrasounds. I am thankful they gave us so many. Most parents to be don't get that opportunity, but I think the RE's do a wonderful job for couples in our situation. They have given us the most precious opportunity we could ever ask for. Mostly, even though we found him rather annoying at times in the last 5 years, we thank  Dr. Vanvooris at the University of Iowa for giving us this second opportunity at becoming parents. For believing in our bodies and knowing we could make this happen with just a little minor help. Some don't believe in reproductive endocrinology to assist with infertility, but we do and that is all that matters. Everyone deserves a chance to be parents no matter how that chance is given. Most who say otherwise (in the experience that I have encountered the last 5 years) are already parents naturally so shouldn't have a right to judge or say otherwise. We will have a miraculous story to share with our little fruit of the loins and I can't wait. Yes, they will know their story as we already have children's books on the way that explain the wanted process to them. So much more special than explaining sex I believe. HAHA

9-17-12

     IT IS TIME TO TELL AS I CAN'T SUCK IT IN ANY LONGER!!! 

 Appointment went well today and both babies were moving around. One looked like it was waving at us. Very exciting to finally be at the end of this trimester and post this blog!