As some of you know, one of my boy dogs, Pierre, has been having some skin/ear issues that have been making him depressed. Like the worried parent's that we are, we have been taking him to the vet constantly in hopes that they figure out what is wrong with him. After three months, two rounds of medications with steroids both times, many dollars later it was time for them to admit they don't know what is wrong with him. They were then ready to admit that he was better off seeing a specialist.
Yesterday Derek took him to the doggy dermatologist and after two and a half hours of poking and testing they finally found many problems. As relieved as we are that there is something they can do, we are not sure what route we want to take. He has some allergies that have built up over time and caused many infections internally. For this, he welts up on the outside and loses hair because that is the only way the infection can push its way out. We have known there was something wrong with him and now feel really bad that it has gotten this bad. We know that we have tried our best to get him help, but sometimes relying on the local doctor just isn't the best choice (this is just the same for a child too). After having the doctor mess with him for three months, he could have been healed up a long time ago.
They put him on medications to help heal up so he isn't depressed and miserable. He has to take special ear medication that could cause deafness, and he is on two different pills. This will last about four weeks before we go back for further treatments.
Now we are faced with a huge decision when he is healed. We have to choose to pay for allergy testing to find the real problem or just treat it the rest of his life with steroids. We have three allergy options that range from different prices. We just know that these options will cause his life span to shorten. As tough as that is to sound, we also want his life to be happy and healthy. This will lead us to believe that as long as he is healthy, the money doesn't matter.
We will continue to weigh our options until the day arrives that we have to make the decision. Our dogs are our children so this is hard to see when they are suffering. We love all three of our dogs (even when they annoy us unintentionally (we hope it's unintentionally)). They are the greatest gifts that have come into our lives and will be sad when the day comes to part. We love Levi, Pierre, and Chloe.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Back to the Future...
The biggest discussion in our home these last few days is what the future holds for us. We haven't had much luck with the past and it really makes us question our future if we don't change the path we have been following.
The outlook being: if we continue to put all of our efforts into wanting to parent, what happens when we wake up in 15 years and are still empty handed? Will we regret not trying harder or will we be perfectly content with not being parents? This question has made me think about things as i never thought that way until my husband mentioned it. This really makes you look at the positives and negatives of being childless.
If we were to decide to be childless, what would we do with our lives then. We could travel more since we wouldn't try and save every last penny just to pay for adoption or treatments. We could do more volunteer work to help fulfill the void of nurturing in our lives that we have so much longed for. Missionary work was a great topic of conversation.. Who knew we would even consider these things!
When we talk about waking up in 15 years and getting the feeling of wasting our lives on trying to build a family, we are talking about how unhappy it makes us feel. This is the most depressing struggles we have had to endure. When focusing on trying to build a family, the negatives always come to mind. All the feelings of hurt and depression come to the plate and remind you of the all the failed months. The reason we think of them as failed months is according to a woman's cycle (for those who felt to understand why people always say months).
Or do we change the path we are on immediately and start a happier lifestyle? Don't get me wrong, we are happy together, just not happy about how life has been for us. Some say don't give up, but who really can say they won't after all the failed news and then a failed adoption. Is this a sign we are to do something different in our lives? Are we meant to do something other than being parents? If this is true, we could be happy travelers an not have responsibility for the rest of our lives... Maybe that could be a good thing! There may be a tiny sadness of never having children in 15 years, but will we regret it... Possibly! This is why we aren't sure what we should do with ourselves at this point.
Though, we seem confused now, maybe some day things will be clearer. Maybe by blogging, this will help us see things clearer. Only time and patience will tell...
The outlook being: if we continue to put all of our efforts into wanting to parent, what happens when we wake up in 15 years and are still empty handed? Will we regret not trying harder or will we be perfectly content with not being parents? This question has made me think about things as i never thought that way until my husband mentioned it. This really makes you look at the positives and negatives of being childless.
If we were to decide to be childless, what would we do with our lives then. We could travel more since we wouldn't try and save every last penny just to pay for adoption or treatments. We could do more volunteer work to help fulfill the void of nurturing in our lives that we have so much longed for. Missionary work was a great topic of conversation.. Who knew we would even consider these things!
When we talk about waking up in 15 years and getting the feeling of wasting our lives on trying to build a family, we are talking about how unhappy it makes us feel. This is the most depressing struggles we have had to endure. When focusing on trying to build a family, the negatives always come to mind. All the feelings of hurt and depression come to the plate and remind you of the all the failed months. The reason we think of them as failed months is according to a woman's cycle (for those who felt to understand why people always say months).
Or do we change the path we are on immediately and start a happier lifestyle? Don't get me wrong, we are happy together, just not happy about how life has been for us. Some say don't give up, but who really can say they won't after all the failed news and then a failed adoption. Is this a sign we are to do something different in our lives? Are we meant to do something other than being parents? If this is true, we could be happy travelers an not have responsibility for the rest of our lives... Maybe that could be a good thing! There may be a tiny sadness of never having children in 15 years, but will we regret it... Possibly! This is why we aren't sure what we should do with ourselves at this point.
Though, we seem confused now, maybe some day things will be clearer. Maybe by blogging, this will help us see things clearer. Only time and patience will tell...
Saturday, February 18, 2012
You Could, You Just Wouldn't
Today is a down day. I thought I was doing much better yesterday in trying to be a strong person, but today I feel down. I went to work and had someone say something to me and I held back tears until she left the room. I am unsure of how to be feeling as I want to feel as strong as possible. After all the agony we have felt in our lives, we felt numb. Today, I actually feel down about the situation.
I want to make something clear about this blog. This is a place for me to vent about things that bug me and my life experiences. If you have a problem with it, you can choose not to read them. There are many ways people deal with stress and sadness. I have heard that blogging is the best form of relief that is out there. Most people that follow me on facebook and blogger are my friends and family. There are some strays out there, but this is mostly for them to understand where we are in life and a great way for us to keep in touch as we all lead different busy lives. We all know it is hard to get a hold of people sometimes and you end up playing phone tag for a few days! HAHA
Now really, today someone told me that if they could they would have a baby for us. Here is the thing, we hear this a lot and it can be very annoying. It's not that you can't have a baby and give it to us. I'm sure you can have a child... some have had more than one. The truth is, you possibly can have a baby, you choose not to have one and give it to us. I am not asking for a child, I am just trying to clear up an unclear statement. This statement is said a lot from people of many sorts. There is a big difference between can't and won't. Me, I CAN'T have a baby and that's why I don't. You may or may not, I don't know. This is just a vent of me telling people that they really need to watch what they are saying and how they are saying it to someone. I just want everyone to do an exercise and say this to themselves, "I wish I could have a baby for you" or "If I could have a baby for you, I would".. Think about that. To me, it just sounds silly. There are some ladies out there who do have children, but aren't able to have more. There are some who are pregnant now and wouldn't be able to carry a child again. If you aren't one of these people, sometimes it's okay to not say anything.
Anyways, this is short and simple but I just wanted to vent. I hope all of you wonderful ladies dealing with infertility and failed adoptions find this a little humorous. I am not saying we will all agree with the statements, but we have all had similar experiences. It is amazing how after talking with some that we all have the same outlook in life. Nobody will ever begin to understand the grieving month by month when AF shows her presence. This is just a reminder to me, at times not always, of how I have failed as a wife, a woman, and becoming a mother (aren't women built to reproduce). Though, this seems harsh, we all know we have days like this. We all know we have days and wonder why our husbands still love us. Really, it's okay to admit it! I am thankful for him every day. He has been by my side on every failed month in the last five years. Every month is the loss of a child we never had.
Also, adoption and pregnancy are two different feelings. I completely understand there is a major difference. Ultimately, I would miss out on the opportunity of carrying and bonding with a child for 9 months before anyone else. I wouldn't get to use any excuses on why my back hurts or how I am just soo hungry today, or how my baby just keeps moving and it's going to be an athlete. What I am saying is, I know there is a difference. More importantly, what I do know is that my husband and I have accepted most of these things (don't get me wrong, the grief will never leave as we know we are it will be in the back of our minds for the rest of our lives). We have moved on to adoption because it felt right. Even before we tried any treatments we were discussing it. This is something we want to experience as a team. We want to be parents. Isn't that what pregnancy leads in to?
Here is the thing, if you don't understand and don't know what to say... Just don't say it at all. We appreciate the support, but a simple "I'm thinking of you" in the mail or on the phone has the best meaning of all.
I know this blog jumps all over, but there are feelings of grief always there inside that someone always brings back up. Again, this is me venting and not all situations are the same...
I want to make something clear about this blog. This is a place for me to vent about things that bug me and my life experiences. If you have a problem with it, you can choose not to read them. There are many ways people deal with stress and sadness. I have heard that blogging is the best form of relief that is out there. Most people that follow me on facebook and blogger are my friends and family. There are some strays out there, but this is mostly for them to understand where we are in life and a great way for us to keep in touch as we all lead different busy lives. We all know it is hard to get a hold of people sometimes and you end up playing phone tag for a few days! HAHA
Now really, today someone told me that if they could they would have a baby for us. Here is the thing, we hear this a lot and it can be very annoying. It's not that you can't have a baby and give it to us. I'm sure you can have a child... some have had more than one. The truth is, you possibly can have a baby, you choose not to have one and give it to us. I am not asking for a child, I am just trying to clear up an unclear statement. This statement is said a lot from people of many sorts. There is a big difference between can't and won't. Me, I CAN'T have a baby and that's why I don't. You may or may not, I don't know. This is just a vent of me telling people that they really need to watch what they are saying and how they are saying it to someone. I just want everyone to do an exercise and say this to themselves, "I wish I could have a baby for you" or "If I could have a baby for you, I would".. Think about that. To me, it just sounds silly. There are some ladies out there who do have children, but aren't able to have more. There are some who are pregnant now and wouldn't be able to carry a child again. If you aren't one of these people, sometimes it's okay to not say anything.
Anyways, this is short and simple but I just wanted to vent. I hope all of you wonderful ladies dealing with infertility and failed adoptions find this a little humorous. I am not saying we will all agree with the statements, but we have all had similar experiences. It is amazing how after talking with some that we all have the same outlook in life. Nobody will ever begin to understand the grieving month by month when AF shows her presence. This is just a reminder to me, at times not always, of how I have failed as a wife, a woman, and becoming a mother (aren't women built to reproduce). Though, this seems harsh, we all know we have days like this. We all know we have days and wonder why our husbands still love us. Really, it's okay to admit it! I am thankful for him every day. He has been by my side on every failed month in the last five years. Every month is the loss of a child we never had.
Also, adoption and pregnancy are two different feelings. I completely understand there is a major difference. Ultimately, I would miss out on the opportunity of carrying and bonding with a child for 9 months before anyone else. I wouldn't get to use any excuses on why my back hurts or how I am just soo hungry today, or how my baby just keeps moving and it's going to be an athlete. What I am saying is, I know there is a difference. More importantly, what I do know is that my husband and I have accepted most of these things (don't get me wrong, the grief will never leave as we know we are it will be in the back of our minds for the rest of our lives). We have moved on to adoption because it felt right. Even before we tried any treatments we were discussing it. This is something we want to experience as a team. We want to be parents. Isn't that what pregnancy leads in to?
Here is the thing, if you don't understand and don't know what to say... Just don't say it at all. We appreciate the support, but a simple "I'm thinking of you" in the mail or on the phone has the best meaning of all.
I know this blog jumps all over, but there are feelings of grief always there inside that someone always brings back up. Again, this is me venting and not all situations are the same...
Friday, February 17, 2012
And it all comes falling down... AGAIN!
It hasn't even been 24 hours since we heard the saddening news. We were very much looking forward to having a baby in our lives and taking in an extra family to share the joys with. Sometimes, things just aren't meant to be. We could all be angry or continue to be hurt (not that we weren't taken back by the news), but the reality is, he was never ours to begin with. This wonderful expectant mother was confused and unsure of what she wanted to do. Even though she was telling us one thing, she was fighting her heart to not keep him. We understand her fears of putting all her trust in our hands and wondering if we would really have kept our word on open adoption. It's tragic for us that we couldn't be given the chance to prove ourselves to her. We were already planning things to do with them in the summer as a way to bond and feel a part of his life. Sometimes it's just not meant to be... Don't get me wrong. It doesn't change my heart for her. They were a wonderful family and I am sure he will have a good home. We all got along really well and I wish nothing but a happy healthy life for all of them. I hope to be able to see how well they do and watch her progress through life goals as well.
This morning we learn a valuable lesson. It's not about the money we lost on legal fees or any other things purchased through this history, it's about the heart. No matter how much we resisted the urge to feel attached to the idea that we were going to be parents, after we were assured soo many times that this was happening so please be ready for him, we finally gave into temptation. We gave our hearts a budge and told them to be in this because some are only able to prep to be parents once. Enjoy this time as it may never happen again. Most parent's get a happy few months to prep, we were given a couple months, but they were the scariest couple months ever. We were trying to optimistic on the situation, but you always know there is the what if... what if she changes her mind... Then the letter showed up at our doorstep.
Here we were left with another bad news in February.. It was exactly one year ago this month that we lost ourselves in the heap of IVF. We learned that the two little embys inside of me died. We knew we were pregnant briefly, but then like that they were gone. That was February of 2011 when we got bad news. It took months to feel happy again, but than this came to our doorstep. Here we are in February again, and we have another loss. It kind of feels the same as the last, but this time, we have a clearer view of how to move forward.
We will continue to figure out our life journey, but we aren't sure what this will be. We do know that most people would end in divorce (infertility statistic), but we are stronger than that. We love each other soo very much, that we have even talked about the possibility of not meant to be parents. Though we have a nursery full of items, it is still very much empty. We will continue to figure out what we should do next. We just don't want to wake up in a few years and be ashamed we didn't enjoy life more. We have already wasted (to an extent) the last five years of our marriage finding a way to have a baby. We have talked a lot about this over the night and said that maybe we aren't meant to be parents at all... Maybe there is a reason for this constant need to save for a baby that will never come.. Maybe we just need to find something more in our lives to focus on.. Maybe we weren't meant to make a little family.
As much as all encouraging words are helpful, we have been through this nightmare time and time again. I think we are as sick of hearing the bad news just as everyone else is. I picture many people via facebook or watching from a distance go "geeze, enough is enough". This is what we are thinking too. It is almost becoming an embarrassment at this point.. We see soo many infertility couples spend hundreds of thousands of dollars and won't give in.. We don't want to be one of those poeple.
We have moved on from the concept (there is always a chance) of carrying a child, but would love nothing more than to adopt a child that is needing to be adopted. We are home study approved now, so nothing is stopping us now. Let's just hope that if we were to get a baby girl, she likes frogs! haha.
Really, the purpose of this blog is for me to get things off my chest. We feel a little better today and hope to continue to move on. The lessons we are learning is, don't always give in, and go with your gut. If it is to good to be true, than it probably is... This situation was to easy and too good to be true!
On to the next year of drama!
This morning we learn a valuable lesson. It's not about the money we lost on legal fees or any other things purchased through this history, it's about the heart. No matter how much we resisted the urge to feel attached to the idea that we were going to be parents, after we were assured soo many times that this was happening so please be ready for him, we finally gave into temptation. We gave our hearts a budge and told them to be in this because some are only able to prep to be parents once. Enjoy this time as it may never happen again. Most parent's get a happy few months to prep, we were given a couple months, but they were the scariest couple months ever. We were trying to optimistic on the situation, but you always know there is the what if... what if she changes her mind... Then the letter showed up at our doorstep.
Here we were left with another bad news in February.. It was exactly one year ago this month that we lost ourselves in the heap of IVF. We learned that the two little embys inside of me died. We knew we were pregnant briefly, but then like that they were gone. That was February of 2011 when we got bad news. It took months to feel happy again, but than this came to our doorstep. Here we are in February again, and we have another loss. It kind of feels the same as the last, but this time, we have a clearer view of how to move forward.
We will continue to figure out our life journey, but we aren't sure what this will be. We do know that most people would end in divorce (infertility statistic), but we are stronger than that. We love each other soo very much, that we have even talked about the possibility of not meant to be parents. Though we have a nursery full of items, it is still very much empty. We will continue to figure out what we should do next. We just don't want to wake up in a few years and be ashamed we didn't enjoy life more. We have already wasted (to an extent) the last five years of our marriage finding a way to have a baby. We have talked a lot about this over the night and said that maybe we aren't meant to be parents at all... Maybe there is a reason for this constant need to save for a baby that will never come.. Maybe we just need to find something more in our lives to focus on.. Maybe we weren't meant to make a little family.
As much as all encouraging words are helpful, we have been through this nightmare time and time again. I think we are as sick of hearing the bad news just as everyone else is. I picture many people via facebook or watching from a distance go "geeze, enough is enough". This is what we are thinking too. It is almost becoming an embarrassment at this point.. We see soo many infertility couples spend hundreds of thousands of dollars and won't give in.. We don't want to be one of those poeple.
We have moved on from the concept (there is always a chance) of carrying a child, but would love nothing more than to adopt a child that is needing to be adopted. We are home study approved now, so nothing is stopping us now. Let's just hope that if we were to get a baby girl, she likes frogs! haha.
Really, the purpose of this blog is for me to get things off my chest. We feel a little better today and hope to continue to move on. The lessons we are learning is, don't always give in, and go with your gut. If it is to good to be true, than it probably is... This situation was to easy and too good to be true!
On to the next year of drama!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Maternity Leave and Life Update
Things have been super crazy these last few weeks. We have been going non stop with all of our preparations. Between the home study, lawyer and trying to prep the nursery we will be ready for things to settle down and enjoy life.
Most of you already know that we had our final home study done last weekend. Things went very well and she loved our home. She saw no concerns and complimented on the nursery. She was eagerly excited that our home was prepped for the baby and she didn't need to tell us of any changes to be made. In the end she said she highly recommended us. Now we wait for all the paperwork to be sent over to our lawyers office for proof. This is a big weight off of our shoulders for sure!
The one joy about working from home is the possibility of being a stay at home mom without having to take my child to day care for 9 hours a day. There is also a big flaw to it.. There are many decisions that can ride on losing clients or put you on the spot. When having to take time off work, your clients have to find back up care. When this happens, there is always risk of them being upset that you took time off and going elsewhere. This is okay for them to do, but it also makes you re-think things in the future. This is where I am at right now with maternity leave.
In the past I have had to take two weeks off due to a surgery that caused clients to find back up care. In this time, a couple people decided it was easier to keep their child in the care of that person due to having more children of their child's gender and such. This has made it harder for me to accept the possibility of closing ever for day care. It's a tough field and when your life stops, everyone else's keeps going.
Many people say I should just take a couple weeks and others say take a few days. I have thought soo hard about this and realized how blessed I am just to be home. I can take a few days off, but know that even with working, I am still home getting used to life with our little one. The truth is, those who usually take time off have some sort of back up help to keep their jobs. I am my own job and want to ensure my clients stay happy.
The one thing I can say I have going for me is the fact that I am private care. I only allow very little kids at a time in my care. This allows me to meet individual needs. I used to have a ton of kids, but now I realized day care is much more than just having lots of kids. It is about meeting the individual needs of children while they have a couple of friends to play with. I am not a center that has too many kids to do individual activities all day long. This is the benefits I will have with my own child. We have an infant (due this month) that is on a waiting list to start in our private care. I am very excited for our little guy to have an automatic play mate while he grows up. This is a perfect opportunity to turn him into a natural social butterfly. We all know the importance of socializing in life, that is 80% of what going to school is all about. That is where a lot of people learn to socialize out in the real world.
In any case, we do know that Derek can get up 12 weeks of FMLA. We don't need any really, but he will have a few days to be home and help everyone get adjusted. Let's face it, it takes two to get adjusted to a new little one. He is just as important as I am in this child's life. We are excited to show our efforts in parenting together. As I was prepared to do most of the nights since I work from home, he has said that it's not fair and he wants to help out as much as he can. We are a team and that comes at all times in our child's life.
So, in taking time off to adjust to the little guy. We will make it simple. The one thing we want to focus on while adjusting to our new lives and our expectant mom (we will call her emom to keep her identity secret for now). She will go home from the hospital and hope for a full recovery once the little guy comes. To ensure she stays relaxed and healthy, we will make sure to take Baby K to her home and visit her. This is so we know that she is doing her part and letting her body heal (she is having a c-section). We are committed to her and are very excited to watch her reach her life goals... Gives me something to blog about in the future!
Anyways, enough rambling for now. Going to try and keep everyone updated as much as possible. For now.... 5 Weeks left!!!
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