Appreciating parenthood....Ok.. Just may be a vent!

I would have to say that there is a find line between appreciating your children from an accidental pregnancy to a very wanted pregnancy... then there are the in between that believe they want to be involved, but don't know what is truly best. 

 From Early Childhood Educator and several friends with kids later we have truly learned what will be important as parents. I have heard it all from people as to what they want and what they think is right... What is right??

Sometimes couples try so hard to come off as "perfect" parents when we all know that everyone has struggles and others just really don't care what other's think. Some parents are more of coddlers (you hover over every little scratch and bruise and causes your child to cry when you acknowledge it) than cuddlers (you let your child wipe off their dirt and just cuddle during a movie or good book). Then there are some who just buy things constantly for their children and don't understand why they throw a fit if you forget that one time to buy a toy (almost like you are buying their love). 

Here is us.. We aren't sure where we will be when our time comes, but do know that we will try and not be the parent's we have learned from. We will allow our child to watch PG13 movies and enjoy family movie night as we all know that those minor jokes totally go over a 3 year olds head. They are more into the moment and not the total detail of a  movie. 

 We know we won't act like the perfect parents in public and make sure our child is dressed for church every day of the week... Who are we trying to impress?? The neighborhood watch program? Do they judge families now?? 

 We know we will be saying "wipe it off" more often than some because sometimes the crying is just more than just being sore. Sometimes it's just because they are used to being coddled. 

 We may do some spoiling from all the years of being deprived, but know that it is not right to buy our child a toy every time we walk into a store. This does include junk food. <<< Total other topic as I have seen  much damage to children from this. 

Mostly, I just want to share how much infertility has made us realize that we will appreciate our children. Parent's complain A LOT about their children.. Sometimes it's for things that really aren't that big of a deal. Some complain about how much their babies are up at night in the beginning (isn't this expected when you plan on having a baby?). I anticipate all those sleepless nights and forgetting to put on socks in the morning because I'm so out of it. There are many more things that could be said, but I mostly just want to say how much I would appreciate a "poopy" diaper or  five! 

  The reality is that some people go into parenthood by accident and spend the whole way complaining about it and others spend years trying to get into the "parenthood club". This gives them many years to sit and ponder what kind of parents they want to be. It is amazing how your views in life can change after you have to sit on things for so long...  

 By the way "Parenthood Club" is referred to as all the people who have kids in common so they get to have play dates constantly.. Like a "club"... You can be invited even if you don't have children, but be prepared to have nothing in common with the conversations!

Our Journey Of Treatments And Facing The Truth

This Blog is based on some earlier journaling I kept while we were going through our IVF process. The goal was not to tell anyone about the process until after it was over. We didn’t feel the need to share our experience, but it would be nice for those to know what we struggled with over the course of our infertility struggles.  It starts off with October of 2010 when we went to our first pre-IVF appointment.

Step One: Preliminary Appointment: With much effort and thought we have came up with the decision to get the loan needed for the rest of the money needed. The whole process was hard to pass up as my bosses were willing to work with me on the time I needed off work to do what is necessary to be done with the process. So here is what went down.

We thought the whole amount of IVF was going to be a total of 15k all together for a warranty program. The warranty program is something that guarantees you a pregnancy, if not, you get majority of your money back to put towards adoption or you can try for IVF again with a lesser rate of $2,500 per round.  This is only because they have already retrieved your eggs and they are frozen and ready to be placed. 

                So we set up a preliminary appointment on October 25^th 2010 to see what is left to be saved (as we already saved $12k) so we thought we were pretty close to our goal. After much visiting with a financial advisor we learned that $15k was just for the warranty program alone. Since we want to do the warranty program we would also have to do any medications that are involved to have extra reassurance. So this adds another $2500 to our amount needed. All together we would be paying over $18k for everything when all said and done. The catch was they needed the check two months before egg retrieval. Since we were already there we decided to sign up as we didn’t want to lose our position. This meant we had to act fast to get the cash needed to do IVF. They explained there were “on” and “off” times that were for IVF patients. This was the “off” time for the hospital, which meant they were bringing all new couples in at once to get them prepared for IVF. The “on” time was when they actually did all the retrievals and implanting for the patients (January-March). Derek was unsure of the commitment to sign on right then, but the doctor said we could call and back out at any time, but if we didn’t take the opportunity to sign up this time around we would have to wait until the next “off” time, which could be months and months away. That day they did all of our blood work and testing to make sure we qualified for their program and all looked good and clear. I had to follow up with a small blood sample for my FSH levels, but they called me right away with my results and informed me that we passed with all their requirements.

                The financial advisor gave us a few different banks that specialized in these kinds of loans so we could act fast. Act fast we did! Normally we wait around and save more and try not to even think about borrowing money from anyone. We got home that afternoon and started calling around immediately. Within 24 hours we were approved for a loan and picked up a check the following day for $6000.

                Everything we do for the IVF process is according to my cycle. So we go step by step with each (November and December) cycle (period) I have. For the month of November we were only set to take a form of bacterial cleansing medicine together on the first day of my cycle. This was to clear out any possible bacteria (that could cause us to get sick) to get us started on our process. Then I am set to take birth control for the month of December. I will have to start my pills the first day of my December cycle and call the doctors immediately. From there they will set up an appointment for our injection teaching. This will allow us to start giving me hormone injections to prepare my body for egg retrieval in January and to carry baby as well! I am not exactly excited for having more injections in one month than I have had my whole life, but I know it will all be worth it in the end.

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We are officially into the month of January. This is the month when everything is planned to happen… We will begin the full process of IVF. Though, I have tried hard to eat healthier these last couple months it has been a struggle. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas with the family and all that yummy food it makes it so hard to indulge. Now that it is the second day of the New Year I will be happy to start fresh and eat fresher… Starting with my morning organic yogurt.. After my sugared coffee!

I may not be much of a writer, but I can surely do my best to explain how this journey will treat me and its progress. We have already wasted a couple months of waiting and pre-planning how this process will work. Those months (November & December) seemed to go by really slow, but the process is officially under way as of this coming Wednesday (Three days away). We begin our first round of shots!!

The shot process comes in a series of events. First I start taking a medicine called Leuprolide. This medication is given in a form of a shot into my thigh. I am to have one shot a night around the same time starting January 5^th. Then I have to stop taking my birth control (this was used to control my hormone levels so it’s easier to pinpoint the cycle in January) on January 8^th and wait for my period to start and call the hospital that day to have a blood test done. There is a series of events that have to happen (blood work and ultra sounds) in order to keep track of when to start the next series of shots. There are also going to pills involved, but those don’t get explained to us until later. The series of shots go Leuprolide (in the thighs, alternating each night), Follistim Pen (in the lower stomach, which I can alternate sides), and Repronex (which will be given in my hip, altering sides if needed). These are all different hormones to help with our IVF process that will help stimulate my eggs and make my uterine lining healthy for baby to attach.

So, on this note, I must say I am getting very nervous about theses shots. We did a practice shot at the hospital where I had to lie on my side and let Derek give me a shot of practice meds. This was not as painful as I anticipated, but after many nights of this, I could be in for a rude awakening! I have never liked getting shots and always looked away when given to me.

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Here we are almost one week down of using Leuprolide. I was very much dreading the idea of getting daily injections in my thigh, but after the first couple of days it seemed to be getting easier. The concept was a lot harder to deal with than the actual shots. I still can’t grasp the idea of watching my husband insert the needle but I am able to cope with the rest of it (mental). We do a shot in my thigh each night (alternating thighs).

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Here we are way behind on my blogging. Can’t believe this month is almost over already! We have three more days left for the month of January.

                It all started out with me taking my Leauprolide for over a week and then adding in the follistem (injection pen to the lower stomach). I did these two shots every night until January 19^th and that’s when I added in the third shot. The third shot I started taking in the hip was called Repronex. This was a kind of painful shot as it messed with my muscles. I would take all three shots (one right after the other) for five nights straight. Then I would stop and take a HCG (trigger shot) the next night (Monday the 24^th). This would ensure that my eggs were ready for retrieval on January 26^th at 8:30 am.

                On Wednesday we got up really early to get ready for retrieval and headed in. I was put under so they could retrieve my eggs. .The whole procedure lasted a total of 25 minutes to retrieve all eggs. It turned out they retrieved 34 eggs, but two died right after retrieval. So that left us with 32 eggs to try and fertilize over night.

                On Thursday morning (the 27^th) we got a devastating call from the doctor saying none of our eggs fertilized on their own. Some had died due to not fertilizing on time and she did her best to save the rest by ICSI (Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection: Injecting a single sperm into an egg). She would call is by 8:30 p.m that evening to let us know the progress of our hopeful little ones.

                The whole day was agonizing for both Derek and I. We cried most of the day wondering why this happened and worried that the others would not survive.

                Finally, the phone rang and we received some decent news. The doctor told us that there has been progress and some development in the embryos. She would call us back on Friday (today) to let us know more.

                So far we still have some embryos doing their job. Some are moving along slower than others, but they seem to be growing somewhat.

~ That was the last entry before everything else happened. We had such an eventful few days. When Monday (day 5) rolled around they were able to transfer two embryos into my uterus. The whole hour we were in the transfer room Derek and I were so giddy. We couldn’t stop laughing at the idea and kept joking about the concept of how we were getting pregnant. For us, it was a way to feel relieved about the process being over and the hopes of our little babies sticking.

                We knew before they transferred two that they were pre-mature due to not fertilizing in the first 24 hours. They showed us a photo of all nine that were left out of 34 and had picked the best two that were available. Of these nine, they were unable to grade them like they would a normal embryo (A being the best and c being a lower quality). We were putting the best two out of nine in without knowing what the real quality was. This made us even more determined to make our little ones stick. After all, we have a double chance of at least one staying with us.

 The second we got home Derek made sure I stayed sitting in the chair and not moving around too much. We knew that we didn’t have to be overly cautious because most people could get pregnant standing up! We just wanted to be safe and make sure they both stuck. We spent the next 24 hours talking to our little embryos and telling them how much we wanted them. The whole time we waited for testing to see if it worked, we were a little skeptical. We did our best to stay positive, but a lot can run through your head while waiting for two weeks to hear results. There were a few miner pulls that made me think that something could possibly be sticking, but we wouldn’t be sure until the day of testing.

                Finally, testing day had arrived. I woke up early to go get blood work before I went to work. When I arrived at the hospital they took some blood and said I would hear from them later that morning. When my phone rang at noon there was a slight hesitation to answer (we happened to be at the library of all places). I answered only to hear her say they need to draw more blood. Apparently the blood they took before managed to clot up and they needed a fresh sample. After all we had been through they definitely weren’t hesitant to add to the anticipation!

                It wasn’t until I got home that evening and Derek and I checked our message together. We were sad and disappointed to find out that it was negative. Apparently something had attached enough to leave some hormone in my blood, but not enough to stay alive. This seemed to shock us a little, but we knew that after the fertilization didn’t go well that we shouldn’t expect a miracle.

                There it was. After months of hard work (Derek will say mostly my work), we came out empty handed. It took a few days to let things sink in on what had just happened, but we were able to meet with the doctor again to discuss our results.  Unfortunately, our case was a less than 1% case on how things went during the cycle of IVF. It was rare enough that they didn’t even have a protocol for it. They encouraged us to do it a second time so they could learn from the first “hiccup”. To us, this was us wasting away thousands of dollars so they could experiment with our future. We couldn’t allow the gamble and had to walk away.

                It took months to start feeling better about things again. The one thing that always made us feel better was that we had each other to rely on. We knew we wanted a biological child and an adoptive child and always talked about adoption before we even went through this long process. When the time came, we decided to try ivf because the doctors were so sure of it working even though we were already calling agencies about adoption.

Some people say how harsh infertility can be on their marriage. To some, it can cause divorce because of all the stress. For others (us), it causes a couple to feel closer and more intimate about their relationship. We have learned to cope with even the most difficult situation we could ever be dealt with. We will always know, that from here on out, there isn’t a thing that we can’t make it through together. Many couples can say they are very much in love, but there will never be a bond like the one we built in our years of infertility and struggles. We know that people will come and go, but we will always be able to count on each other.

Our Infertility Journey & Friends

As a little girl you always pretend giving birth to you baby doll by pushing out from under you shirt. This is how all little girls perceive giving life. It always seems so simple when you are children because you are hidden from all the details and stories that make it all the more complicated. 

 As I got older and more options came into play on what I wanted with my life, I always resorted to having a family. I wanted to be married to a wonderful husband with two children, one from adoption and one from natural birth. The reality to this was going to be a lot harsher when my time came to reality. 

 When Derek and I decided to get married we had already been talking about family. We knew from the get go that we wanted to be a young family with high energy (as long as we were financially stable). After we were married we knew there may have been something stirring on the infertility line. We immediately made appointments with the doctor to see what was happening. 

 Upon a few minor tests between him and I there was nothing to be found. We were both healthy. How could this be if we couldn't get pregnant? We waited a few months to chart better and test constantly for the right timing, but came up with a negative each month. Why is it that when people announce they are starting to try people say congrats?? Congrats on what?

 After a few months I decided to put myself through a surgery called laproscopy to see if they could find anything wrong on the inside that they couldn't see from all the blood tests and x-rays. When coming to after surgery.. nothing. The doctor found nothing, yet again. How could I possibly be infertile without finding anything wrong with me? They diagnosed us with Unexplained Infertility and then the depression set it.. What can we do now?

 We waited to save money so we could start the IUI process (Intrauterine Insemination). We were on Chlomid for six months and did three IUI's. After spending what money we had on treatments we had to call it quits. Our health insurance covered nothing to do with infertility treatments. We were stuck paying for things on our own and trying to make people understand why we were depressed was hard in itself. 

 After our last failed IUI we were told by the doctor that our chances of conceiving were less than a 3% chance. Our only resort would be IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). 

 We sold our home to help pay for IVF as it was going to cost us up to $20k for the one cycle. We weren't going to tell anyone when we were going to do this because we didn't want disappointment. 

  The one thing we have learned through all of this was who your true friends and family are. Nobody can begin to understand what a roller coaster this journey had taken us and what we had to endure behind closed doors. Everyone will make comments like "it will happen when the timing is right" or "only in god's hands", but for us it is all about the biological aspect. If science can't explain it than nobody can. The only support you can provide is comfort and understanding. You can't make someone feel better, but you can send them a cookie to help show your compassion. The reality is, when you distance yourself from others because you are enduring all this pain, it's not because you don't care about them or want to hang out with them, it's because you don't know how to deal with what is happening. 

 After finding yourself and getting over the process it is hard to know who to turn to. In the end the friends you once had you don't know anymore. There is no turning back, there is only moving forward and finding those people who are there for you. I know who those friends are and am glad we have them in our lives. 

MIMI = Child Care Provider

     After contemplating my time and energy into these blogs I realized, for someone who has nothing to say, I  sure do say a lot!


      Where to begin... I can share a little about myself and then maybe work my way up to the top in these next few weeks. Let's start with the name MIMI in the title:


   The name MIMI is something that has caught on over the course of Seven years. I have been caring for others children since out of high school. The little one's could never say Melissa, so they all started resorting to MIMI. At first, I found it a little annoying trying to make them understand my name.. but to a one year old who is learning to talk, it is much easier to go along with what they have to say because in their heart you are so much more. 
  I started out working in a preschool that was minimum wage. After realizing that no living human being could afford to pay "real" bills with this, I decided to start my first in home day care. This turned out to be a fantastic idea. It also allowed me to go back to school for my Child Development Practitioner degree. Then we moved and I took on a nanny job for 1 1/2 years (more to come) with a wonderful little boy that still breaks my heart I had to leave. In doing these jobs,  I learned a lot about myself and the people around me. I learned what I wanted to do in life and where I want to go.  
 First off, Child Care is a job.. I repeat, Child Care is a job!  Just like others who have amazing careers and get paid triple digits, have vacation, and sick leave, we too deserve those options. Parent's on the other hand, look for a reliable robot (maybe too much Jetsons?). They believe that as the sole provider we aren't allowed a vacation day or sick days. Though, it can be stated in a contract, it still causes controversy for whatever reason. Lesson #1 from experience: Never take advantage of your child care provider. Always have a back up and don't blame them for being sick or needing one day off. They do so much for you that you may not even realize.. Hence, your child is still alive and very happy! 
  Happy is where the satisfaction of being someone's MIMI comes in. Seeing their smiling faces every day is rewarding enough in itself. Knowing that you have a title to a child that sticks long term is even more rewarding. Hearing the name MIMI always brings a smile to my face and makes me picture that little girl who started it all. This is what it is about, the children being happy and healthy. This is what makes me love my job so much more. 
  Mostly, I know that Child Care does not pay amazingly, but I do know that I love what I do. Sometimes people who choose career paths or is some cases career's choose them without knowing what the future holds. Sometimes you love taking care of children without knowing what the future holds when you want to have your own (Blog to come). Sometimes you can't control what happens in your life, but others will make decisions based on your life situations. The best thing you can do is move on and remember what your job is all about. Parent's need child care and your job is about the children and how happy you make them. Entertaining, feeding, and keeping them safe on a daily basis.