As I got older and more options came into play on what I wanted with my life, I always resorted to having a family. I wanted to be married to a wonderful husband with two children, one from adoption and one from natural birth. The reality to this was going to be a lot harsher when my time came to reality.
When Derek and I decided to get married we had already been talking about family. We knew from the get go that we wanted to be a young family with high energy (as long as we were financially stable). After we were married we knew there may have been something stirring on the infertility line. We immediately made appointments with the doctor to see what was happening.
Upon a few minor tests between him and I there was nothing to be found. We were both healthy. How could this be if we couldn't get pregnant? We waited a few months to chart better and test constantly for the right timing, but came up with a negative each month. Why is it that when people announce they are starting to try people say congrats?? Congrats on what?
After a few months I decided to put myself through a surgery called laproscopy to see if they could find anything wrong on the inside that they couldn't see from all the blood tests and x-rays. When coming to after surgery.. nothing. The doctor found nothing, yet again. How could I possibly be infertile without finding anything wrong with me? They diagnosed us with Unexplained Infertility and then the depression set it.. What can we do now?
We waited to save money so we could start the IUI process (Intrauterine Insemination). We were on Chlomid for six months and did three IUI's. After spending what money we had on treatments we had to call it quits. Our health insurance covered nothing to do with infertility treatments. We were stuck paying for things on our own and trying to make people understand why we were depressed was hard in itself.
After our last failed IUI we were told by the doctor that our chances of conceiving were less than a 3% chance. Our only resort would be IVF (In Vitro Fertilization).
We sold our home to help pay for IVF as it was going to cost us up to $20k for the one cycle. We weren't going to tell anyone when we were going to do this because we didn't want disappointment.
The one thing we have learned through all of this was who your true friends and family are. Nobody can begin to understand what a roller coaster this journey had taken us and what we had to endure behind closed doors. Everyone will make comments like "it will happen when the timing is right" or "only in god's hands", but for us it is all about the biological aspect. If science can't explain it than nobody can. The only support you can provide is comfort and understanding. You can't make someone feel better, but you can send them a cookie to help show your compassion. The reality is, when you distance yourself from others because you are enduring all this pain, it's not because you don't care about them or want to hang out with them, it's because you don't know how to deal with what is happening.
After finding yourself and getting over the process it is hard to know who to turn to. In the end the friends you once had you don't know anymore. There is no turning back, there is only moving forward and finding those people who are there for you. I know who those friends are and am glad we have them in our lives.
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