Genders

Merry Christmas!! We have finally told everyone what the genders of the twins are.. One boy and one girl! We are a purple and green kind of family. Not into the pinks and blues as so many people use those colors too much. 

Had another ultrasound yesterday (Christmas Eve). Things are looking great. We are 25 weeks today and the babies are healthy. Can't ask for much more than that. We went in hoping to see what their little faces look like now that they are more developed. Little girl was all about the camera this time and little boy was hiding his face the whole time.. believe it or not, he had his face hidden in his sisters butt! Haha. Can't wait to share that with him when he is older. Will have to post that picture to show as well. Hard to believe our due date is 15 short weeks away. We are hoping to make it to full term, but we also know that with twins things can happen earlier than you want. I am healthy and so are babies so this is what we have to go off of for now!

Baby Girl front profile

Baby Girl side profile

Baby boy side profile... his head is in sisters rump!!

Both of their feet in the same shot... you can see hers better and they are gorgeous! ~ Maybe I am being a conceded mom already?? lol 

24 Weeks (Picture)

    Today marks 24 weeks! We are very thrilled to be this far along with the twins. We had an OB apt. last week and all looked well. I was measuring at 27 weeks (four weeks ahead of schedule). Hard to be small with two bodies and eight punching/kicking limbs inside of you. Yes, they are officially movers. One in particular beats on me way more than the other one. It seems the positioning is making it easier for me to feel that one. Last night it was actually dragging it's body across my belly. Such a weird thing to see. I am gaining weight like crazy now. Not sure where it all is going other than the belly. I am starting to maybe look a little chunkier in the face, but for sure have most of it in the front. 

    Lastly, we have our next ultrasound on Christmas eve. We will be 25 weeks on December 25th! This will be a great Christmas present from the OB. We do know the genders and will reveal on Christmas eve or Christmas. We are just as antsy to tell as many are to hear so the fun shopping can begin.

To end, here are some photo's from our previous scans (19 Weeks so much bigger now). We are happy to see them and know how healthy they are every time!

19-20 Week OB apt.

Baby A and Baby B are doing wonderful. We couldn't have asked for any better of a report card at this point. Being half way through this pregnancy is a huge milestone and we realize it's time to start counting down and prepping nursery ideas. We understand that this takes us knowing the genders of our little miracles. We will see what is in store for us soon as we plan on revealing the genders to family at Christmas time first and then everyone else will find out.
 As the appointment goes, Baby A (on the right) had a heart rate of 150 and Baby B (on the left) had a heart rate of 139. They are on target for weight and age... a few days ahead actually. My belly is measuring at 22 weeks so I am close (2-3 weeks ahead) to target. I thought that was weird since I hear people with twins measure 4-6 weeks ahead. She said it had to do with weight gain as well.. Which I have put on 6 (ish) pounds finally since my last apt. So I can finally say I have gained some weight. With the babies being 10 and 11 oz. that probably takes up some of the poundage right there. Trust me, I am out eating the hubby some days, but it doesn't seem to make a difference for me. She did say 1-2 pounds a week last apt. After 4 weeks 6 pounds seems pretty reasonable to me!

We do have to say that these little one's are already very spoiled. Their clothing line has been started and will continue to grow as the shopping continues from everyone. As much as we have appreciated everyone trying to give us hand me downs, we are buying everything new from here since we are keeping track of what we have and want. As we have been prepping for this opportunity for many years, we will gladly buy them everything we can to enjoy this experience. Then we have a baby shower that will add to the mix. Did I say spoiled?? More like spoiled rotten! They won't know the difference, but we will and are excited to wander the stores for all the needs and wants of having a baby.

As much as I could blab on about how great this is, I know it's getting to be long. Until next time...

Kick, kick, kick!

Today marks 18 weeks on the nose. Very exciting how we are almost at the halfway mark. Something tells me we are already there since we are probably going to go early.
As usual, I like to rest my body by laying down reading or something while the kiddos all sleep. Today we have movement. Yes, I have felt a lot of kicking/ moving and this is the first day of it. It is very exciting and I got some tears when I realized it was happening. This is just the beginning and can't wait for the bigger ones. I know they are going to hurt me, but we are super excited to experience this. One more week until our next OB apt. Hoping for some more awesome news. Trying to keep somewhat healthy and on track so they grow strong. Quality over quantity when it comes to food habits :)

Holy Smokes..16 Weeks 1 day

This is a photo from today. I can't believe how big I am in this photo. When looking at myself in the mirror or looking down I don't feel this big. Everyone else is noticing, but I almost feel weird growing this fast. I haven't gained any weight as of my OB last Thursday, but something is telling me that after family festivities and such this weekend I may have finally gained a pound or two. I am in awws at how big your belly can grow without gaining a pound. This must mean our little ones are growing strong and loving the food I am giving them (some good and some not so good).

First Sonogram Today

Today was our first Sonogram to hear the heartbeats. The baby on the right was the first one up and it took a minute because there seemed to be a little movement going on in there. There was some really cool swishing sounds in there and sounded like a storm brewing up in there! That heart rate was the slower of the two at 163. This is the baby that seems to always be rather calm when we do the ultrasounds.
 When we moved over to the left I told the OB where I thought he/she was because of movement a couple weeks ago (yes, this is the baby that not shy at all and seems to always give the best poses during ultrasounds).. She was unsure that I felt something (MOMMY knows best in this case). Sure enough the heart beat was loud and clear when she set the wand there. We couldn't remember what the heart rate was for this one because we were so distracted by the amazement of it all. I keep telling Derek we need one of these dopplers for at home so we can listen to all the little noises they are making in there.. Of course he said that was a bad idea and shrugged it off. Humph!

Most importantly all is great still and I am a healthy mama. I really truly try my best to feed them healthy foods while treating myself once in awhile. This gracious miracle of life growing inside of me is enough motivation to take care of myself to be healthy afterwords. My uterus is measuring higher and bigger than one baby would. Today she was up towards my belly button and I figured it would be at least a couple inches lower. HAPPY BAKING BABIES!!!

P.S. Grandma Laurie is taking dibs on what the sexes are.. Derek says two boys (I think he just doesn't want to jinx that he wants a daddy's girl), Grandma Laurie and I say one boy and one girl. Old Wives Tales would say two girls according to the heart rates. Only time will tell... or the ultrasound reveal. Yay!

Happy Second Trimester Day!!!

A quiet day..

Today has been a very slow paced day. Will have a meeting later, but children are sleeping now and making me tired.. so must keep busy!

I was just thinking back to our very first ultrasound and how just a few weeks ago we were excited to see our little peanut... Then all of a sudden, boom, we are having two. The feeling was pure joy and utter shock. We were very happy and then the fears all set in of "what if".  Luckily, we have been given a wonderful amount of good news. Though we are pretty in the clear for the higher percentage of things, there is still always worry. When going to my ultrasounds and seeing them, it puts my mind at ease. Then after a few days of not seeing them, I feel worried again. Don't get me wrong, it's not a major stressed out worry, but a minor "it can happen". We are planning ahead and mentally prepping for two, but you can still have stuff go wrong. Mostly, I think it all goes back to our fears of the last five years of hearing bad news. The good news is amazing and makes your feel cautiously optimistic.  

   Imagine spending 5 years in a nightmare of nobody knowing what was wrong with you and spending thousands of dollars and voluntary surgeries, only to come up empty handed. One day you get one last shot and you optimistically take the shot knowing that the end result will be negative as always, but only it turns out to be positive. You are mentally set on the negative results you are used to that these positive results are a shocker. You weren't going to cry at hearing the negative because your heart has grown used to it, but the positive makes you cry hysterically. That's where all the disbelief comes in and you spend weeks having the doctor reassure you that the positive did and IS happening. Who would have thunk?!?!

From dots to babies!

Just wanted to share the latest photo's. They actually have their limbs and we got to see them moving around. It was the most amazing thing ever!

Baby A is on my right side and is a very calm baby. Seems to be quiet when we have ultrasounds. This particular one it only got startled when I laughed.. Too cute as the little arms started to fly around. We say it's a girl because it's so relaxed (although time will tell). 

Baby B is on the left side and seems to be very active all the time. We think this is a boy since it already has a big personality. Last ultrasound it was doing full frontal and looked like a gummy bear, this time it was moving around and waving it's arms. In the photo it was actually sucking their thumb. This is what made me laugh and baby A get frightened. Too funny!

BABIES IN THE OVEN!!!!

This blog starts back 4 months when we didn't want to tell anyone. You will start in June and work your way to the present day... or the most recent before our next blog. Thanks!

6-5-12

So here we are in round two of IVF. We kept saying we weren’t going to do another round, but who could truly pass up a 100% free round from the hospital. How did we get this free round?? The news didn’t come lightly.

                After our first failed IVF in January 2011 we swore we weren’t going to do another round. There is so much time and effort put into it that causes a lot of stress. This does not include all the hormone injections my husband has to administer in me. These take a serious toll on a woman’s body. For me, it caused a lot of hormone changes in my mouth and I had to spend hundreds of dollars at the dentist to fix everything. The dentist was in shock at how much the hormones aged my teeth. It was an added disappointment and reminder for what didn’t work out for us.

                It took us several months to start feeling happy again. Once we found our inner peace of where we wanted to go from there we started a healthier path in life. By fall of 2011 we were finally happy again. Then the hospital calls in November of 2011 to tell us some news that we didn’t know how to handle. They told us that there was an issue in the incubation lab and an maintenance employee forgot to put in one of three air filters that help clean the air quality right around the time we started our IVF. They wanted to make things “right” and offer us a free round. WHAT?!?! How could this have happened after pouring our hearts and souls into this hospital?? We were happy, confused and finally the anger set in. What are they hiding that they call us up and offer us a free round to cover their tracks? We were just unsure of what this meant and how to handle it.

                The reality of things, they called us when we finally decided to pursue adoption more and were actually matched with an expectant mom at the time. This was really confusing on top of just deciding to change my job path that exact day… HOLY COW! Let’s just say the tears were flowing all night for the sake of the unknown.

                In the end, we decided to put IVF off and take a “rain check”. We were happy with what was about to happen in our lives. We were in a possible adoption situation and couldn’t have been happier with the path we have entrusted our hearts in. After Valentine’s we got the sad news that the expectant mother had changed her mind. We were heartbroken again… I was a little distant from the situation since it wasn’t me who was physically carrying the child, but Derek was even more heartbroken. He was finally getting into the process of buying baby things after holding out for so long. We told ourselves we weren’t going to buy much for the baby boy until he was really here. We were scared of staring at an empty nursery every day, but expectant mom and grandma were so adamant that we should buy things and get ready for the little guy! We finally decided to buy a few things and it felt wonderful. Then we were left empty.

                Now that we are back to square one again, we have decided that this is the time to take the hospital up on their offer. What do we have to lose at this point? We have nothing holding us back and I can be more flexible with my job than I was the last time around. We will just do it!

Here I am on day 4 of my cycle and have been taking birth control for four whole days… Weird how the memories come flooding back and you dread starting to take the stuff the prescribe you. I will take this every day for a few weeks and then start injections. Unsure of when the start exactly since I am just getting into my cycle. The nurse made it seem like it will be started around the 27^th, but my cycle started a little early so may change things by a couple of days. We will see where things go from here!

6-19-12

 Yesterday (6-18-12) we had our preliminary appointment to get all my meds rounded up for our ivf cycle. We didn’t think much about the cycle until we were officially back at the hospital and in waiting room 3…. This is the waiting room where all infertile couples end up. There is waiting room 1 you walk past where children are, waiting room 2 where expectant mom’s sit in the open when you walk by, and then there is waiting room 3 where no children are allowed. This is the waiting room we very much dread. Every time the front desk asks us “do you know where waiting room 3 is?” , we reply with “unfortunately”. She just does her small smile and lets us go on our way.

 We have been here multiple times and wondered how many of those couples that were in there with us have gone out with the most amazing news you can ask for. We always hope for the same outcome, but know that the percentage rate is against us.

 “This time around is different”, says the ultrasound tech whom doesn’t want us to give up hope. “Your follicles are amazing and as much as you don’t care to hear, they have learned from your last failed attempt!”. We just knod and look like we are agreeing when deep down we don’t care what she says because she is just doing her job. We know we are only there because it is free and we never intended on putting my body through this again. Here we are starting the process again and loading our bucket of medications… Those will be starting mid next week. Here is a sneak peak of what medications I have to endure in this process… Pills, Shots, Shots, shots….. then comes the surgery. For now, this is what I have to look at to keep reminding me what I am getting myself into:

6-22-2012

                So, I know I told myself I would do my best to keep my blogging up to share when this whole experience is over. I don’t want people to know when I am going through the process because it makes it all the more stressful. I am willing to document this experience and share it later because I know it is all over with and what the outcome will be by then. Mostly, I blog because there are steps that can be forgettable and I want to always know every detail in case I need to look back on all of these events. I hope to someday share with my child (ren) how much they were wanted and all the hard work I put my body through in order to try and make this possible. I also want to share my own personal experience with friends and family members. I know some get tired of hearing it (boy don’t I wish we didn’t have to go through it), but documenting these dramatic times in your life is more important than many may think. I’m sure we could easily write a book on our experiences these last five or so years. Though, the audiences may be limited, it would be a well documented book!

                The reason for blogging today though is to make me feel better. I am feeling very yucky today from my BCP (Birth Control Pills). These aren’t your every day “trying not to have a baby” pills. These are pills of the same level given to me four weeks in a row so the hospital can control my hormones for egg production. The hormones have many side effects. The main ones I am feeling today is fatigue, light headed and nausea. Honestly, I have been feeling fatigue since the first week. I am sooo tired all the time. I make sure and keep busy with the kiddos all day just to keep my body going. I know Derek jokes and says I could sleep my life away, but honestly, I would totally agree! Haha. I just want to sleep for the last week of these pills, but know I need to start shots this week.. oh, and do that thing called work! I am thankful that it is Friday so my day is almost over… For those of you that are worried, its naptime so no harm done on blogging!!

7-6-12

I have officially been on my first round of shots for 10 days. I started Leuprolide on June 27^th. Those shots seem to be a lot easier than they used to be. It seemed like the needles were bigger last time around, but I am just guessing that I am becoming a pro at all the poking. Haha. I did stop taking my BCP (Birth Control Pills) on the 30^th. That has seemed to make my nausea go down. I am still tired by 1:00, but making an effort to rest when I feel the need to. This is a must for me in going through this. It is amazing how tired all the hormone changes make you feel.

 I think the worst of the shots was when I went to get my Estradiol blood level taken today. The lady was half asleep it seemed and felt like she was digging the needle around in my vein while taking my blood… to think I have to do this every couple of days the next week! Luckily, my levels came back all well. I will start my second shot tonight called Follistim. This is just a pen that will be injected into my stomach. This will put me at two shots a night until the doctor tells me to start my third shot.

 Last time we went through IVF we really secluded ourselves from everyone. We stayed home often and made sure I was there to take my shots on time. This time I seem to be carrying the shots around and willing to take them in front of people. I think that it makes life a lot easier when you learn to enjoy it while doing all the crazy medications. I did give myself my first leg shot on the Fourth of July since Derek wasn’t able to go to a bbq with me. This was a little nerve racking since he normally does that part for me. All in all it was not as bad as I mentally feel like it would be. Doing all those shots can be very exhausting to deal with. This process messes with your body mentally and physically. You can be achy and bloated for a few days and just want to lay around and sleep… this is where it can be scary for weight gain. You already gain unwanted water weight from all the hormones, who really wants to gain weight because they can’t exercise (doctor’s orders so you don’t twist your ovaries (yes, this happens because the hormones grow your follicles to the size of a walnut and some bigger)). 

 My only concern that I have had thus far is the lifting. I am not allowed to lift over 15 pounds while going through the stimulation process. This gives me a whole week of work that I will need to try and take it easy (biting my nails). I am sure my daycare parent’s are pretty understandable at this point if I get a little lazy and creative with the lifting. It will help that my neighbor girls will come by to help once in awhile.

7-10-12

Here I sit in the a.m. waiting to start the work day. Last night was a little exhausting. I started my third shot called Menopur (MENOPUR^® is a highly purified preparation of naturally derived gonadotropins, called hMG. MENOPUR^® contains equal amounts (75 IUs) of 2 kinds of hormonal activity: follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH), which helps stimulate egg production; and luteinizing hormone (LH), which helps the eggs mature and release (ovulate). MENOPUR^® helps stimulate eggs to mature in women whose ovaries are basically healthy but are unable to develop eggs. It is not used for women who suffer from ovarian failure. MENOPUR^® is usually used together with human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG), and is indicated for the development of multiple follicles and pregnancy in women participating in an Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) program). I had another blood draw yesterday morning and my Estradiol number went from 7 on Monday to 229 yesterday so they dropped my Follistim to 150 instead of 225. The best part of the blood draw is that they have to use the same bruised arm every time (sarcasm). Apparently my left arm doesn’t ever want to show the vein so I am always using the right arm for my blood draws. If anyone knows about taking shots, it can be mentally and physically exhausting just taking one. I have to take two in the stomach and one in the leg at this point. Sometime in the next few days I will have to start taking one in the side, but that shouldn’t be until closer to surgery.

Last night seemed a little worse because it actually hurt giving the shots and to top it all off, my Follistim cartridge ran out so I had to reload and give an extra shot. Not my way to end the day… four shots!

7-13-12

 Happy Friday the 13^th!! DH (Dear Husband) and I had an ultrasound and consultation today. The tech found 12 follicles on my right ovary and I believe 9 on my left ovary. This leaves me hopeful for multiple eggs like last time. Many times we were told that we would go and have our egg retrieval surgery around Sunday, but after today’s visit they have changed plans. They have decided to push things into the week. I have an ultrasound Sunday to see how my follicles look and we will go from there. I am sad and frustrated since I took the time off work, but deep down I know they are spreading the time as far as possible so our eggs are mature. I think the last time we did ivf they may have triggered too soon and this is what added to the stresses of it not working. I just want mature and healthy eggs to be fertilized and stick to my uterine lining. Oh yes, my uterine lining looked wonderful too. It is amazing how stumped you can make people who specialize in this field. They can’t believe how things can’t work when you are this healthy… I say, just believe it!

 For now, my medications will all stay the same (20 Ml. of Leuprolide, 150 Ml. of Follistim, and 1 vial of Menopur). This means two shots in the stomach and one in the leg for at least two more nights!

7-15-12

 Back from the hospital. They scheduled us for an ultrasound today. All looks well. My follicles all look wonderful and they are, as the ultrasound tech called it “baked”. There are quite a few in there so I am hoping for good numbers like last time (34 eggs retrieved last time). There are quite a few follicles again so I am guessing we will be over 20 at least. This is a great number as the average woman on gets around 13 eggs retrieved if that. My only concern is the quality of the eggs. I just hope they are good this time around.

 The retrieval is officially set for Tuesday (two days away). I will call the information line today to get the details of the surgery time. Derek will give me my trigger shot to start the eggs up and ready for their ovulation cycle. Last time we had to set our alarm because you have to be very precise on the timing of the trigger shot. It is exactly 36 hours from retrieval time. We will have to wake up late at night to have the shot taken. You got to love all the events of ivf for everything to be precise. Just imagine what all this takes and some just get pregnant “accidentally”. Wowzers!

7-17-12

Today was egg retrieval day. We went in at 8 a.m. and I was out the OR a little after 9. They were able to retrieve 28 eggs. 20 of which made it on to the ICSI round. They will call tomorrow to let us know how many did well in fertilization.

 For me, I am a little sore. My stomach is very achy so bed rest is a plus for me. I am back to more meds. They are all very different than what I was on before retrieval. I am taking 1 Cephalexin capsule four times daily, 2 MethylPREDNISolone Tablets every 12 hours, 1 Levothyroxine Sodium tablet daily, and for now I am on Acetamin-Codeine every 4 hours. All of this is in addition to my progesterone in oil injections in the evening.

7-19-12

We heard news yesterday. They ended up doing ICSI on 22 eggs. Out of 22 eggs, 14 of them fertilized normally. They went ahead and froze 7 of the 14 and will keep the other little embryos growing to pick the best ones for transfer. We will do a 5 day transfer on Sunday. We were glad for that because that is when the eggs reach a huge milestone.. hatching! The doctors will call tomorrow (Friday) to give us an update on how many embryos have made it to day 3 and when to come in on Sunday. I hope we get at least 4 good embryos to choose from!!

7-25-12

 The days have come and gone. We are in our 2ww (two week wait). The embryo transfer was on Sunday which was a day 5 transfer. For those of you who don’t know what this means, instead of developing in me for five days it develops in a lab dish and then they put it back in the woman’s uterus before it is supposed to attach to the uterus. This is to ensure they put the best quality of embryos we have available. They were able to put in two embryos. One was an “Excellent” grade and the other was “good”. The cool thing about all of it is in going through this, you will get the earliest possible photo’s of your babies if they take. Here is a couple different looks of what we hope to work out: 

Embryo #1Embryo #2

  Today is 3dp5dt (3 days past a 5 day transfer for those who don’t know the lingo). I have been running a low grade fever on and off since Monday night (1dp5dt). It has been a little unnerving since I never had this happen to me last time we did IVF. I have been trying to meditate so I am relaxed. It is just hard to not worry that this is my body fighting off what could be our little babies. It is something that is not seeming to be a worry to the nurses in the clinic, but for some reason I am… I guess it just comes with the territory.

 Last night was the worst of it. I woke up freezing and by the time I got warm and comfortable I was boiling hot. It seemed like I didn’t get much sleep after that because every time I got comfortable and started to doze off, I got really hot and sweaty again. This has been quite the experience if nothing at all. I just hope that it’s for the better and we don’t hear bad news all over again.

8-2-12

Well, great news, we went in for our beta (pregnancy hormone test) and we are expecting!!!! This is the first time ever and we are in shock to say the least. The nurse said they like to at least see a level of 50 and mine was at 261!  Normally women would have to stay on progesterone in oil shots for the first 12 weeks to keep producing the hormones for your uterus, but my levels were high enough that I get to get off of them. I am producing enough on my own. I go back in tomorrow for my second beta to see how much it rises. Then to wait on the ultrasound August 20^th to see how many little blurs are in there. I call it the blur because of the very first ultrasound we got. Haha. For now, here is something that we all dream of seeing and I had to do it last night once I knew my levels were a for sure thing: 

8-3-12

Went in for my second Beta count today. Our count went from 261 to 531. The nurse said she wanted to see a 400 and it came out plenty ahead. Let’s hope those numbers keep climbing as the days go on and this/ these babies grow. We were suspecting twins with the first beta, but now I am suspecting a singleton. We obviously won’t know until we have our first ultrasound to confirm how many are in there.

So far things are looking up. I haven’t been sleeping well, but I suspect that is the hormones as I am also getting a little nausea/ lack of appetite during the day. This makes it a little harder to remember to eat. I will need to keep reminding myself that I am not just feeding myself anymore!

For now, here is a little preview of what I look like now.. I am still a little bloated from egg retrieval (as your ovaries are soo enlarged), but I thought this would be a good diary for myself.

8-6-12

We have two weeks until our ultrasound to see how many little peanuts are in there. I am guessing there is one, but you never know. The suspense is driving me bonkers. I am trying to keep myself busy, but I also know I need to rest as fatigue hits me quickly if I am not careful. I seem to be feeling a heck of a lot better this week. I haven’t had as much nausea and cramping. I am guessing it is the tips I kept getting about eating plenty of protein and drinking lots of water. We are trying to push as much organic foods as possible. This little one does not deserve to be pushed full of the unnecessary chemicals that people put in foods these days. I know, that sounds crazy to some of you, but guess what? I am guessing you didn’t go through five years of infertility just to get a little peanut inside of you! Haha.

We start our sixth week tomorrow. This is very exciting for us. We want to enjoy it very much, but it is still surreal. I am actually having a hard time grasping (as is Derek) that we are actually PREGNANT. It is weird to say it and it’s hard to believe it. I think once we get farther along and have something to show for it, it may help. Right now it feels weird because I feel normal other than being bloated. Almost makes me think there is nothing in there… but we know there absolutely is!

8-13-12

We have one week until our first ultrasound!! Sounds great I know, but for me it is a different kind of great than most others could imagine. This tells me not only how many babies are in there, but how strong of a heartbeat the baby has. This should be enough encouragement to push me into happier mode. Don’t get me wrong (for those of you who follow our struggles and think I should be completely overjoyed), I am happy I am pregnant, it’s just very scary for me. As someone who has gone through all the possible scenarios to get pregnant, you get so caught up in the bad that you never expect anything good to come from this. Now that it has, it is hard to let your guard down because you are soo used to all the bad things happening to you. I feel that having this ultrasound will be reassurance that there is truly a baby in there. I haven’t had many symptoms and as many normal pregnant women would find that a blessing, in the infertile world, this is a scary sign that there is nothing in there…. Again, I know this stuff is hard for most of you to wrap your head around, but this is the life of me and these are the feelings of every woman going through the same things. While every normal pregnant woman takes in being pregnant and enjoys talking about the future… we are scared shitless. My husband and I give high fives at the end of each day. The actual words are “ High Five, We made it through another day pregnant!”

8-21-12

Two’s Company!

We had our first ultrasound today to see baby. We haven’t had one yet since we found out we were pregnant. The tech went in and saw a baby and when she moved to the left… there was another one! We were in shock most of the morning, but excited to know that at this point we are expectant parents of twins. It is the most amazing feeling in the world. The doctor said and I quote “By our records you have been ttc a little over five years. The last cycle went completely bad, but this cycle went completely good. You guys deserve these babies!”

The ultrasound tech said we have the best case of twins possible. Baby A is on the Right side and Baby B is on the left side. The will be growing next to each other instead of on top of one another. They are fraternal twins (each have grown by different egg and sperm) so they will each have their own placenta to grow in safely. This is like an added bonus to the good news so we won’t be as high risk, hopefully!

First Twin Photo

   

Baby A on right side

Baby B on Left side

8-31-12

We had our second ultrasound today. Derek decided to go to work and get paid. We have two babies coming so we must think about two futures instead of one. His mom came in his place. I was super excited for her to see them. It was great to see her happy and watching the monitor while the ultrasound tech did her thing. Babies are growing well and right on target for size. Heart rates went from 121 & 129 Last time to 183 & 177 this time. The doctor said they will go down around week 11 and level out to their new heart rates. This has been an amazing couple of months so far and can't wait to see how these little ones grown. Derek said last night.. and I quote "They grow up so fast, don't they?" HAHA. We are loving being able to share this together. We are soo glad we were able to have one more shot at this. Love their little bodies already... Grandma started the "Gummy Bear" nickname because one was full frontal and looked like a gummy bear. Too cute!

Twin Photo @ 8 Weeks 2 Days were in different positions so it was hard to get a good photo together!

"Gummy Bear" Twin on Left

Twin on Right  in fetal position. Very shy I guess. 

9-10-12

Here we are, in week number ten. I can't believe how close we are getting to the end of the first trimester. This is truly becoming real the further along we get. I hear soo many people say they don't start showing until the 2nd trimester... Well, I am starting to think this isn't the case for me having twins in there. My belly that I was losing (since I was losing weight before pregnancy) is now growing. I seem to have a pouch that I can't hide without wearing baggy shirts. Luckily, we only have two more weeks before we agreed we would announce it to the world.... The doctors have given us the okay, but we are determined to wait. I have another ultrasound next week (11 weeks) and I am super excited to see my (well, as Derek says "HIS") babies again. I know that since the RE has graduated us to OB we won't get as many ultrasounds. I am thankful they gave us so many. Most parents to be don't get that opportunity, but I think the RE's do a wonderful job for couples in our situation. They have given us the most precious opportunity we could ever ask for. Mostly, even though we found him rather annoying at times in the last 5 years, we thank  Dr. Vanvooris at the University of Iowa for giving us this second opportunity at becoming parents. For believing in our bodies and knowing we could make this happen with just a little minor help. Some don't believe in reproductive endocrinology to assist with infertility, but we do and that is all that matters. Everyone deserves a chance to be parents no matter how that chance is given. Most who say otherwise (in the experience that I have encountered the last 5 years) are already parents naturally so shouldn't have a right to judge or say otherwise. We will have a miraculous story to share with our little fruit of the loins and I can't wait. Yes, they will know their story as we already have children's books on the way that explain the wanted process to them. So much more special than explaining sex I believe. HAHA

9-17-12

     IT IS TIME TO TELL AS I CAN'T SUCK IT IN ANY LONGER!!! 

 Appointment went well today and both babies were moving around. One looked like it was waving at us. Very exciting to finally be at the end of this trimester and post this blog!

Been hiding out!

So, for those of you who know us, know we have been on a journey of health and happiness this year. We kicked off February and March with healthy eating and protein shakes... So far we have dropped some pounds. I have dropped 15-20 pounds and Derek has dropped around 20 pounds. We hope to continue this path is some way, but know my body is starting to reject the dairy. The most important thing of all is how excited I am when I go to my doctors apt. I always challenge to see what my blood pressure is, where my weight is, and my overall health. Great news a lot lately!!

We went on our vacation in May and we have been on a crazy journey since we have gotten back. There are many things to share, but will have time to post them later. I have been blogging a lot more personal things in my own private stash, which I hope to share with everyone in the near future.

For now, we have been working hard on getting things done around the house and enjoying life. We just celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary (9 years together, WOWZERS). It is truly amazing that after 9 years we still don't like being apart (like if one has to go somewhere or something like that). We do look forward to what the future holds and can't wait to see what happens!

Mexico Trip... A little behind on blogging

Well, as most of my readers know, I haven't been blogging as much lately. I am doing some private blogging while going through some interesting phases of our lives. I have chose to only blog to myself for the next couple of months until I am ready to share what I have to say. Sometimes it is okay to hold things in and ponder on them for awhile.
 I did realize I forgot to talk about our Mexico trip. We did go to Mexico for a week at the end of May. This was a very special vacation for Derek and I. We have not been on a "real" vacation since we got married 5 years ago. The last five years we spent on saving money for a baby and then losing it all over again when things failed. After our last failed attempt (via adoption this time), we decided it was time to spend a week by ourselves and enjoy life a little more. This is what lead us to Mexico.
When we went to Mexico we spent the first two days just hanging out in the area we were staying in. We did a little exploring and spent most of our days on the beach. We have never had a beach vacation before so this was amazing for us to experience together. On the third whole day we were there we made plans to go to an Island and swim with dolphins. We did go all out and order the delux package so we could do all inclusive. This allowed us to spend lots of time in the water playing and swimming with the dolphins, swim around great white sharks, and swim in an area with stingrays. Don't worry, it was all very safe!
 The fourth day we decided to spend the whole day at a water park. This was absolutely fun! We got all inclusive there so we spent the day swimming, eating, and lounging. For those of you who know us well, you probably wonder how I got Derek in the water since he can't swim.. He did an amazing job swimming in the 20 foot deep water since he had a life jacket on. I was soo impressed at his lack of fear as he has never really gone in water the almost 9 years we have been together. As for the water park, he was daring and enjoying himself as well... No saving needed!
 The last full day there was literally spent on the beach. We went to lunch and dinner, but the rest of the time we made sure to see as much as the Gulf as we possibly could. It was the hottest day we were there, but the breeze made you take a nice soothing nap. We ended our last night off with a lovely dinner at a Taco Hut on a marina. This was the first place we ate when we arrived and we loved it so much we wanted to end with that same meal. The nachos were freshly amazing and not greasy like a lot of the food we had there.
 As much fun as a vacation was, we were so ready to head home on Sunday. We were ready for fresh food and a plain old sandwich. We spent the next week not eating much at all. We were soo full of greasy food that we couldn't think of eating anymore.

That was the basics of your vacation. It was a wonderful adventure together with no outside contact (literally it seemed impossible to contact anyone) we very much needed it!

Isla Mujeres (spanish for Island of Women) is an island that was sacred to the Mayan goddess of childbirth and medicine. 

The umbrella we spent some time under

A morning view from our balcony

Derek's version of a water slide

My version of a water slide

Another view of the water slide I loved!

Cancun, Mexico (Just the two of us)

     So, we have officially been to Mexico and back. This was a relaxing trip and exhausting trip all in one. The hubby and I have never really been on a honeymoon so this was very much needed after five years of marriage. We know we deserved it, but it took a lot of soul searching to give ourselves this break for a week of fun..... and we will always try to do better about taking breaks now!

I have added some photo's from our vacation and hope to have a break from work sometime today so I can explain our experiences in Mexico.. Below are photo's when we were on the beach, went swimming with dolphins, and played with a monkey. We did snorkel with sharks and stingrays, but didn't have a waterproof camera to take in the water with us. Best and busiest day of all. 

 

 

National Infertility week!

I love Dawn's information and would love for some of my friends and family
To learn a little more about these things. Here is a link of Dawn's latest article for good measure!

http://www.creatingafamily.org/blog/infertility-fertility-trying-to-conceive-ivf-donor-egg/fertile-care-infertility-1-8-care/
I love informing people who ask because that's when I know they are there for me ;-)

Weight Check in...

Forgot to mention... Since this knew lifestyle change 48 days ago, I am down 10 pounds and counting! Hoping to see a little more results by the time I hit the sunny beach of Cancun on May 21st!!!

Social Networking less!

So, as most of my readers have figured out by now. I am closing my Facebook account. This is part of a challenge for myself. Though, I could use the excuse that all my family is on there, everyone has my phone number or email (Melkasal@yahoo.com).
I have been trying to do better for my own health and hubby is on board. We have been looking toward the future and wanting to be prepared to be healthier parents if the time were to ever approach us. Since hubby had eliminated most social networking (mostly Facebook), I thought I would take the challenge as well. Realistically, this is a place where I blog my thoughts and that is all I need. If people are so interested in my life they can call or message me. We all know just because they are on facebook doesn't mean they are your friends saying.,, Well, this makes me take it to the challenge. Those who want to keep contact can and those who never did, won't!
I am excited to take this challenge and hope many more will attempt to follow. As we have gone over a year without cable, I'm guessing I can live without this as well. I promise, I'm not going crazy, we have just realized how much FAMILY time we have given ourselves. We don't feel obligated to watch out tv shows on schedule because we don't have any! This feel less stressful...
So, if this is one of the things anyone can do, I encourage it. Television and social networking seem to be taking up a lot of family time.... Now if I can have hubby cut back on his movie reviews! Buahahaha!

Family photo's from October

These are family photo's we had done in October 2011. I'm sure we are due for some new photo's since we have both been working on our "healthier" selves!

Healthy Family = Happier Family

So, It has been a bit since I blogged. Most of my blogging was our of depression or annoyance. For those of you who keep getting bad news thrown at you time and time again, blogging is the route to go!
 These last few weeks we have taken a new approach at our lifestyles. We have thought time and time again about our healthy eating habbits (Derek's worse than mine). I would try my best to eat organics when I could because of the chemicals in food that can cause harm to your immune system and overall health. Derek really didn't care what he ate, as long as it tasted good!
  In looking at all we have gone through we have realized, why don't we do something better for ourselves! We already cut out t.v. watching my canceling cable over a year ago (by the way, all families can benefit from this). There are other forms of entertainment for a family besides daytime t.v. We enjoy listening to music and playing game, reading, and actually eating dinner together. We do pop in movies some times and watch movies while eating or on the weekends, but not as often as we did when we had cable.. Not to mention saving $100 a month for the services we would pay for t.v. 
 Healthier eating is the newest agenda for us. NEWS FLASH: This is a huge milestone for Derek because he HATES healthy food. We are making sure to have fruits and veggies as part of our nightly meals so we get a little extra health to our diets. In all the eight and a half years I have been with Derek, vegetables are his number one hated foods, but now he is gradually learning to like them. Alone, he is noticing the positives of all of this. I have always known, but couldn't force him on the band wagon. We do allow ourselves to eat out once in awhile because it is okay to cheat and give our taste buds extra yummy flavors, but while eating at home, we have turned!
 During the day, we drink nutrition shakes to give us the extra nutrients that our bodies need on a daily basis. This has already made a change with my body as I have lost a few pounds. I do cheat and have snacks that are tasty, but I do try and have fruit. Our newest favorite fruit is Grapefruit (thanks to the local 4H for selling them in bulk and getting us hooked)!! 
 The biggest change is the energy that all of this is providing! We have been wanting to spend more time outdoors. I unfortunately have been too sick lately to do anything, but Derek has never had soo much energy. I have never seen him get home from work and want to walk the dogs every day, then still have a little energy at the end of the night!! This is awesome for me, as I am still in shock as I type this and smile. Those of you who have been in relationships for a long while know the amazing feeling change can bring! Wondering if I will have a jogging partner in my future.... haha!
 Some may laugh at the Chemical in foods thing, but there are reasons it scares me. I for one, have a reason to wonder a lot of health things. My main wonder is the unexplained infertility. In doing tons of research over the course of these last few years. Health and Chemicals play a major role in pregnancy and getting pregnant. As often as you here about people around you getting pregnant, believe it or not, it takes that perfect moment of egg and sperm to meet. It my case, there seems to be something with the eggs that cause it to not happen. Though the doctors won't admit what it could be, in all the surgeries I have voluntarily  put myself through, this seems to be where the issues lay. Science has only made it so far, but some day they may make a new discovery. Think of all the chemicals in food more these days and the number of infertile couples that have risen.. Coincident?!? We can't say. So you take all these factors, plus that exact moment and you have the 0% chance that the doctor gave us to conceive. This doesn't make us give up a lifetime of what if's! We will always wonder and try our best to better the situation. Whenever we have new information, we act on it. It never hurts to try as long as we are mentally okay with going forward with it. In the last few years we have tried everything from all treatments, remedies, to even suggestions.. probably suggestions that most would laugh at! lol. 
 Bottom line, we have finally hit the part in our lives where being healthy is the best option we have going for us. Not that we shouldn't have been healthy in the first place, but this makes us wonder if chemicals play a role in our "unexplained", not to mention the rise in obesity for Americans. People always say, why don't doctors recommend these nutrition meals and such... Duh, that is a no brainer. Where do doctors make their money? Answer: Sick People! Where do pharmaceutical companies make their money?  Answer: Doctors who prescribe and patients who want/ need! Think about this and laugh at me or really think about what is wrong with America! I saw a first grader the other day that was 120 pounds... that's what I weighed when I was 18!
 Anyways, enough with the complaining and on with the healthier life style. I encourage more people to be healthier, but mostly choose wise foods for your children. Don't give gummy snacks, give apples. Its just as simple to hand them :)

Hates seeing Pierre suffer...

 As some of you know, one of my boy dogs, Pierre, has been having some skin/ear issues that have been making him depressed. Like the worried parent's that we are, we have been taking him to the vet constantly in hopes that they figure out what is wrong with him. After three months, two rounds of medications with steroids both times, many dollars later it was time for them to admit they don't know what is wrong with him. They were then ready to admit that he was better off seeing a specialist.
 Yesterday Derek took him to the doggy dermatologist and after two and a half hours of poking and testing they finally found many problems. As relieved as we are that there is something they can do, we are not sure what route we want to take. He has some allergies that have built up over time and caused many infections internally. For this, he welts up on the outside and loses hair because that is the only way the infection can push its way out. We have known there was something wrong with him and now feel really bad that it has gotten this bad. We know that we have tried our best to get him help, but sometimes relying on the local doctor just isn't the best choice (this is just the same for a child too). After having the doctor mess with him for three months, he could have been healed up a long time ago.
 They put him on medications to help heal up so he isn't depressed and miserable. He has to take special ear medication that could cause deafness, and he is on two different pills. This will last about four weeks before we go back for further treatments.
  Now we are faced with a huge decision when he is healed. We have to choose to pay for allergy testing to find the real problem or just treat it the rest of his life with steroids. We have three allergy options that range from different prices. We just know that these options will cause his life span to shorten. As tough as that is to sound, we also want his life to be happy and healthy. This will lead us to believe that as long as he is healthy, the money doesn't matter.
 We will continue to weigh our options until the day arrives that we have to make the decision. Our dogs are our children so this is hard to see when they are suffering. We love all three of our dogs (even when they annoy us unintentionally (we hope it's unintentionally)). They are the greatest gifts that have come into our lives and will be sad when the day comes to part. We love Levi, Pierre, and Chloe.

Back to the Future...

The biggest discussion in our home these last few days is what the future holds for us. We haven't had much luck with the past and it really makes us question our future if we don't change the path we have been following.
The outlook being: if we continue to put all of our efforts into wanting to parent, what happens when we wake up in 15 years and are still empty handed? Will we regret not trying harder or will we be perfectly content with not being parents? This question has made me think about things as i never thought that way until my husband mentioned it. This really makes you look at the positives and negatives of being childless.
If we were to decide to be childless, what would we do with our lives then. We could travel more since we wouldn't try and save every last penny just to pay for adoption or treatments. We could do more volunteer work to help fulfill the void of nurturing in our lives that we have so much longed for. Missionary work was a great topic of conversation.. Who knew we would even consider these things!
When we talk about waking up in 15 years and getting the feeling of wasting our lives on trying to build a family, we are talking about how unhappy it makes us feel. This is the most depressing struggles we have had to endure. When focusing on trying to build a family, the negatives always come to mind. All the feelings of hurt and depression come to the plate and remind you of the all the failed months. The reason we think of them as failed months is according to a woman's cycle (for those who felt to understand why people always say months).
Or do we change the path we are on immediately and start a happier lifestyle? Don't get me wrong, we are happy together, just not happy about how life has been for us. Some say don't give up, but who really can say they won't after all the failed news and then a failed adoption. Is this a sign we are to do something different in our lives? Are we meant to do something other than being parents? If this is true, we could be happy travelers an not have responsibility for the rest of our lives... Maybe that could be a good thing! There may be a tiny sadness of never having children in 15 years, but will we regret it... Possibly! This is why we aren't sure what we should do with ourselves at this point.
Though, we seem confused now, maybe some day things will be clearer. Maybe by blogging, this will help us see things clearer. Only time and patience will tell...

You Could, You Just Wouldn't

  Today is a down day. I thought I was doing much better yesterday in trying to be a strong person, but today I feel down. I went to work and had someone say something to me and I held back tears until she left the room. I am unsure of how to be feeling as I want to feel as strong as possible. After all the agony we have felt in our lives, we felt numb. Today, I actually feel down about the situation.

    I want to make something clear about this blog. This is a place for me to vent about things that bug me and my life experiences. If you have a problem with it, you can choose not to read them. There are many ways people deal with stress and sadness. I have heard that blogging is the best form of relief that is out there. Most people that follow me on facebook and blogger are my friends and family. There are some strays out there, but this is mostly for them to understand where we are in life and a great way for us to keep in touch as we all lead different busy lives. We all know it is hard to get a hold of people sometimes and you end up playing phone tag for a few days! HAHA

    Now really, today someone told me that if they could they would have a baby for us. Here is the thing, we hear this a lot and it can be very annoying. It's not that you can't have a baby and give it to us. I'm sure you can have a child... some have had more than one. The truth is, you possibly can have a baby, you choose not to have one and give it to us. I am not asking for a child, I am just trying to clear up an unclear statement. This statement is said a lot from people of many sorts. There is a big difference between can't and won't. Me, I CAN'T have a baby and that's why I don't. You may or may not, I don't know. This is just a vent of me telling people that they really need to watch what they are saying and how they are saying it to someone. I just want everyone to do an exercise and say this to themselves, "I wish I could have a baby for you" or "If I could have a baby for you, I would".. Think about that. To me, it just sounds silly. There are some ladies out there who do have children, but aren't able to have more. There are some who are pregnant now and wouldn't be able to carry a child again. If you aren't one of these people, sometimes it's okay to not say anything.
 Anyways, this is short and simple but I just wanted to vent. I hope all of you wonderful ladies dealing with infertility and failed adoptions find this a little humorous. I am not saying we will all agree with the statements, but we have all had similar experiences. It is amazing how after talking with some that we all have the same outlook in life. Nobody will ever begin to understand the grieving month by month when AF shows her presence. This is just a reminder to me, at times not always, of how I have failed as a wife, a woman, and becoming a mother (aren't women built to reproduce). Though, this seems harsh, we all know we have days like this. We all know we have days and wonder why our husbands still love us. Really, it's okay to admit it! I am thankful for him every day. He has been by my side on every failed month in the last five years. Every month is the loss of a child we never had.
 
 Also, adoption and pregnancy are two different feelings. I completely understand there is a major difference. Ultimately, I would miss out on the opportunity of carrying and bonding with a child for 9 months before anyone else. I wouldn't get to use any excuses on why my back hurts or how I am just soo hungry today, or how my baby just keeps moving and it's going to be an athlete. What I am saying is, I know there is a difference. More importantly, what I do know is that my husband and I have accepted most of these things (don't get me wrong, the grief will never leave as we know we are it will be in the back of our minds for the rest of our lives). We have moved on to adoption because it felt right. Even before we tried any treatments we were discussing it. This is something we want to experience as a team. We want to be parents. Isn't that what pregnancy leads in to?

      Here is the thing, if you don't understand and don't know what to say... Just don't say it at all. We appreciate the support, but a simple "I'm thinking of you" in the mail or on the phone has the best meaning of all.

   I know this blog jumps all over, but there are feelings of grief always there inside that someone always brings back up. Again, this is me venting and not all situations are the same... 

And it all comes falling down... AGAIN!

It hasn't even been 24 hours since we heard the saddening news. We were very much looking forward to having a baby in our lives and taking in an extra family to share the joys with. Sometimes, things just aren't meant to be. We could all be angry or continue to be hurt (not that we weren't taken back by the news), but the reality is, he was never ours to begin with. This wonderful expectant mother was confused and unsure of what she wanted to do. Even though she was telling us one thing, she was fighting her heart to not keep him. We understand her fears of putting all her trust in our hands and wondering if we would really have kept our word on open adoption. It's tragic for us that we couldn't be given the chance to prove ourselves to her. We were already planning things to do with them in the summer as a way to bond and feel a part of his life. Sometimes it's just not meant to be... Don't get me wrong. It doesn't change my heart for her. They were a wonderful family and I am sure he will have a good home. We all got along really well and I wish nothing but a happy healthy life for all of them. I hope to be able to see how well they do and watch her progress through life goals as well.
 This morning we learn a valuable lesson. It's not about the money we lost on legal fees or any other things purchased through this history, it's about the heart. No matter how much we resisted the urge to feel attached to the idea that we were going to be parents, after we were assured soo many times that this was happening so please be ready for him, we finally gave into temptation. We gave our hearts a budge and told them to be in this because some are only able to prep to be parents once. Enjoy this time as it may never happen again. Most parent's get a happy few months to prep, we were given a couple months, but they were the scariest couple months ever. We were trying to optimistic on the situation, but you always know there is the what if... what if she changes her mind... Then the letter showed up at our doorstep.
 Here we were left with another bad news in February.. It was exactly one year ago this month that we lost ourselves in the heap of IVF. We learned that the two little embys inside of me died. We knew we were pregnant briefly, but then like that they were gone. That was February of 2011 when we got bad news. It took months to feel happy again, but than this came to our doorstep. Here we are in February again, and we have another loss. It kind of feels the same as the last, but this time, we have a clearer view of how to move forward.
 We will continue to figure out our life journey, but we aren't sure what this will be. We do know that most people would end in divorce (infertility statistic), but we are stronger than that. We love each other soo very much, that we have even talked about the possibility of not meant to be parents. Though we have a nursery full of items, it is still very much empty. We will continue to figure out what we should do next. We just don't want to wake up in a few years and be ashamed we didn't enjoy life more. We have already wasted (to an extent) the last five years of our marriage finding a way to have a baby. We have talked a lot about this over the night and said that maybe we aren't meant to be parents at all... Maybe there is a reason for this constant need to save for a baby that will never come.. Maybe we just need to find something more in our lives to focus on.. Maybe we weren't meant to make a little family.
As much as all encouraging words are helpful, we have been through this nightmare time and time again. I think we are as sick of hearing the bad news just as everyone else is. I picture many people via facebook or watching from a distance go "geeze, enough is enough". This is what we are thinking too. It is almost becoming an embarrassment at this point.. We see soo many  infertility couples spend hundreds of thousands of dollars and won't give in.. We don't want to be one of those poeple.
We have moved on from the concept (there is always a chance) of carrying a child, but would love nothing more than to adopt a child that is needing to be adopted. We are home study approved now, so nothing is stopping us now. Let's just hope that if we were to get a baby girl, she likes frogs! haha.
 Really, the purpose of this blog is for me to get things off my chest. We feel a little better today and hope to continue to move on. The lessons we are learning is, don't always give in, and go with your gut. If it is to good to be true, than it probably is... This situation was to easy and too good to be true!

On to the next year of drama!